I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.
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“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.
Celebrating a year since my bike got stolen and the wee boy put it on FB marketplace that evening and I stole it back the next day.
*walks up with my full head of mongooses*
Medusa: Let’s rock.
so what are you guys doing for the other 3/4ths of july
[christmas morning]
ME: I have no gifts to bring
EVERYONE: booooo
ME: …pa rum pum pum pum
EVERYONE: yayyyyyy
Boss: I expect total transparency from my staff
Trevor: That’s not always practic—
John the Jellyfish: NO PROBLEM BOSS
If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they’ll fill your antidepressants faster.
Questions my toddler asked me this week:
– Which is better, a tree or yogurt?
– Do frogs know that they are frogs?
– Why do they still make regular blueberries when the chocolate ones are better?
– Were you ever alive?How about your kid?
*uses Ouija board*
NEW PHONE WHO DIS
Actually, your email does not find me well. I had to talk on the phone twice today, my bananas ripened too quickly and I found a fork in the spoon section of the drawer.
My life is spiraling out of control.
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
For those without heat in Texas, there are warming shelters throughout the state. See map at link below or call 211 for assistance. If you have a medical device that requires power, call 911. Texas twitter, please add additional resources to this thread.
just rolled a joint. it was my ankle.
Me: What are you doing?
Wife: One of those online trivia things…tells you what Disney Princess you are.
Me: I’ll save you the trouble…You’re whichever one is Frozen.
Wife:
[chamber of commerce]
harry potter: i’m sorry i think i made a wrong turn
Don’t rub your happiness in people’s faces this Valentine’s Day. Let the couples enjoy themselves for once.
Until I open the wrapper & look inside it’s Schrödinger’s Kit Kat.
Pharmacist: How can I help you?
Me: I’d like to see a menu.
Did you know Lysol kills 99.9% of germs & my toothpaste has tartar control? You would too if you sat in my bathroom without your phone.
911: what’s your emergency
me: my neighbors gone crazy, he’s screaming about superman and dragging his wife around by the hand.
911: what’s his location?
me: he’s 3 doors down
I want to make fun of kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.
It feels mighty hypocritical.
*gets pulled over by police*
*shows a little skin*
Officer: “Who’s skin is that? Please step out of the vehicle sir.”
The robotic urge to ask humans to prove they’re not robots.
Do I have to wear real clothes?
-my kid on the last day of school
Next time a doctor asks if I have a family history of cancer, I’m going to reply, “yeah, but only the ones that wanted to work really hard for it.”
Today I came across a snake that seemed parched and tired, so I gently trickled some water from my water bottle on its snout for a few minutes and it quietly sipped. One of those nature moments that was nice but in retrospect makes me look like some sort of evil forest spirit
[intercom]
Please stop putting clown shoes on the sacrificial goat. The ritual is in 3 days & the other cults aren’t taking us seriously.
Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…😂😏🐶
I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.
According to a Doritos bag size I’m a “Family.”