I bet when toy makers are coming up with ideas they focus on how much they hated their parents.
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Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too
Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house
Just accidentally spilled my cat’s food all over the floor and his reaction was…. a lot 😂
My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.
I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.
*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*
me: dentist said the kids have the plague
wife: plaque
me: yes a memorial would be good
I can’t make it tonight. There’s a couple fighting at Target and the guy just started sarcastically clapping. I need to see where this goes.
[painting a model in the nude]
model: r u gonna be naked the whole time
Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie
Saturday
5 is threatening Siri that he’s gonna turn off the iPad bc she’s not doing what he wants
“u should stop drinking” u should stop talking
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one at auction today.
I’ve had him about an hour now.
Anyway….. Monkey for Sale.
Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles
The sun got the nerve to be out.
Don’t just stand there, DO SOMETHING
Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.
“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”
– Flash mob
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Do you have any questions for me?”
Me: “How strong is the wifi signal in the restroom?”
Interviewer:
The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.
My daughter made such a cute little doll of me. It even has my real hair. She has it surrounded by some candles, and she’s giving it acupuncture to help the sharp pain in my side go away.
Gravity, at all times, is trying to pull your pants down
It is true. Time flies when you are having fun.
However it is also true that Time eventually rests on a tree branch and shits on your head.
I don’t think it’s ever happened, but according to my dogs’ reactions, I’m assuming that, some dog, somewhere, at some time, has been sucked into a vacuum cleaner.
I love restaurants that have signs like “Since 1916”. It’s a great way to know the place you’re eating at was probably super racist.
3 drinks in and that skateboard outside is looking rideable.
Facebook game requests are like the Jehovah’s Witnesses of the internet. No matter how much you say no thank you, they just keep showing up.
what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, “no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman”
I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012
Them: You’re too pretty to look so sad
Me: Sorry, I’ll try to look more ugly