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I wrote a message to my mom giving her a heads up on my carefully thought-out plan to approach my wife about a divorce, and then accidentally sent it to my wife.
Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.
#Caturday
Me: Sleeps three hours.
Brain: That’ll do.
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.
before therapy: i hate people
after therapy: i feel good about hating people!
I’ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she’s a woodpecker.
In my younger days, I was bullied. Fed up one day I punched the biggest kid in class. I think about that teaching job often.
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: What kind of body do you want to have?
ME: *leans in close* I’d prefer human
If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.
[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*
I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on
WIFE: Shouldn’t you be at work?
ME: I took care of it.
BOSS: [to the cardboard cutout of Shaq with my face glued on it]
Nice work today.
75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.
I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.
Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils
Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.
[first time picking up the tab]
her: don’t forget to leave a tip
me: ah yes *scribbles ‘don’t do drugs’ on receipt*
Superman: How’d you know?
Lex: Know what?
S: My secret identity!
L: Whaddya mean?
S: You called me a KENT!!
L: That’s NOT what I called you.
Health Tip: If you add a raisin to your 1-pound bag of M&M’s it becomes Trail Mix and you can eat the whole thing.
If you own a karate dojo and you don’t make your employees answer the phone “Hiiiiiiiiya”
You’re doing it wrong
I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”
exciting texts to get from your friends
• “can I tell you something petty”
• “you are not gonna believe who I just saw”
• “this is going to sound ridiculous but”
• “ok so”
• just your name in all caps and then the typing bubble up for a long time
I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then
The next wave of scammers will have old people call you
I’m not in my prime, I’m in my amazon prime. You’ll get what you want from me about 2 days after you ask for it.
me: i’m doing well
webmd: you may want to sit down
I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.
YOU CAN’T BUY HOT POCKETS YOU CAN ONLY BUY COLD POCKETS YOU ARE EXPECTED SUPPLY THE HEAT YOURSELF DONT BELIEVE THE LIES.