Almost broke up with my therapist on the spot when she said she had never seen Ratatouille. How could she possibly help me she knows nothing
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Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra
“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
[job interview]
him: do you use drugs or alcohol?
me: no
him: what’s your salary requirement?
me: to be able to afford drugs & alcohol
Today in my local Canadian newspaper there was a strongly worded editorial about littering.
The story of Narcissus falling in love with his reflection is a little far-fetched.
*takes 87 selfies*
Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”
Make librarians cry by calling it a “Book Museum” while taking pictures with your iPad.
AirBnB is fun for when you want to be financially abused by a stranger with a binder filled with rules.
if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown
If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.
[Dog Restaurant]
“Is the Book Report any good?”
Yes, Sir.
“How’s it prepared?”
A 9yo stayed up till 3am to finish it.
“Ooh, I’ll have that.”
I WANNA STOP DRINKING‼️ but I realized the owner of the liquor store got a family to feed! last thing ima do is let them kids be hungry 😞
my favorite genre of twitter
Me: Where’s the remote?
Toddler: I didn’t eat it!
[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”
If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….
You wanna buy some land? That’s asking for a lot.
ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload
I always carry a jar gripper with me in case I’m ever stranded on a deserted island with a jar of salsa. I also always carry a jar of salsa.
I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.
Cryptocurrency, but it’s just dead people buying stuff.
ME: [backing into driveway]
WIFE: Where’s the car?
*Adorns new baby with:
Infinity scarf
Leggings
Uggs
Bottle of pumpkin spice latte*They said if her basic needs were met she wouldn’t cry!
My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]
You’re adorable, but not as adorable as my library app thinking I’ll be able to read Stephen King’s ‘The Stand’ in two weeks.
Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.
*3yo’s birthday*
Me: happy birthday, can you blow the candles out?
3yo: ok *blows hard*
Me: great job
3yo: great blow job
Me:
3yo: ?
Me: …. just eat the cake
My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.
You said imagine my life without you…
So I closed my eyes & am on a beach with a man who knows how to change a toilet paper roll.
Getting ready for work, Hank stared in the mirror and sighed. Assistant manager at Applebee’s might not be his dream job, but at least it kept a roof over their heads and put trash on the table.