People are posting throwback photos to their first days of school, and I’m like “I was a third child. My parents only have about 10 photos from my entire childhood, maybe 11 tops.”
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I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…
me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year
5:
me:
5: my brother lets me play with his
Bad news: I squirted ketchup all the way up my sleeve in a public place.
Good news: You can’t really see it because my sleeve is red.
Bad news again: I smell strongly of ketchup.
[demonstrating my new invention, The Crocbrella] I did not think this through.
Her: HELP I’M ON FIRE!!
ME: *slow drag on cigarette* Technically, the fire is on you.
Justin Timberlake: I’m bringing sexy back
Sexy: *nervously* uh no thanks I’ll get an Uber
Sometimes you just gotta be happy the kid is vacuuming her own room and overlook the fact that she’s making figure 8s
all bases covered
I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.
#WhenIWas12IThought very little 🙌
Me: You should be nicer to me. You’ll never have another dad.
5-year-old: Don’t be so sure. Mom is pretty.
Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker?
Now they just mean that you’re 3 and your parents are idiots.
Co-worker: *tells story*
Me: I’m so sorry to hear that.
CW: What? It’s not a bad story.
Me: No, I’m just really sorry I had to hear it.
“Yay Springtime” I say to the wasps busily building their nest on my patio.
[7th day of Christmas]
MY TRUE LOVE: Here’s some swans
ME: More birds, terrific. Look Karen my living room is covered in shit because of all the birds you’ve given me, this is kind of insane
“Welcome, Mr. Bond.” I say, spinning around on my chair. My elbow catches the glass on the table and spills water all over my death ray.
Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%
People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.
After 20 years of marriage, my wife still makes me smile. Usually at family gatherings where she threatens me if I don’t look happy.
Boss: Why were you late today?
Me: *flashes back to standing motionless in my closet staring at my clothes for 20 mins*
Me: Traffic.
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
Please stop saying that a problem is a “real pickle.” Pickles are delicious, store well, and have zero calories. You are a problem. Pickles are fine.
Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed
Why does toothpaste drop off your toothbrush so easily but then turn into a type of thermosetting polymer that’s impossible to wash away?
I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.
“Can I borrow your charger?”
Me: Sure. *offers keys to my pristine 1969 Dodge Charger Daytona*
“I meant for my iPhone.”
Me: Oh, hell no.
A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.
Facebook friend: If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you-
SHUT UP, SHANNON. YOU’RE *ALWAYS* AT YOUR WORST.