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upon my death:

1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case


I never lock my car. What is someone gonna steal, my thousands of McDonald’s napkins? Perhaps my broken sunglasses? Every water bottle my kids have ever opened and took one sip of? They’d be doing me a favor.


Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.


When I hear the word “aftermath” –
it always makes me hungry.

At school, lunch period followed
Math class, so we ate “aftermath”


Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.

Don’t you get like 2000 just for waking up?


{Commercial for Floors}

Is this you?

{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}


I dont’t want to die a virgin because that means I’ll have to have sex with terrorists.


I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.