Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire

“Always give your food a rinse before you eat it,” my dad always used to say.

Lovely man.

Made terrible sandwiches.

Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen

The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.

The migraine that follows.

The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.

[pitch meeting]
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger

When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”

Yes I wore a $900 fuchsia southern belle dress to your kid’s baptism. When I was your bridesmaid, you said I could always wear it again.

I’ve eaten spinach salad for lunch for the past three days. If I don’t wake up tomorrow with arms like Popeye, I’m going to be pissed

Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy, and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.

I’m going to need to rewatch Idiocracy to see what happens next

Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.

Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin

Wife: that’s our neighbor’s new Smart Car

100% of people in this world have texted “I just saw your text” at some point which is proof that there are no honest people in this world

what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”

[uber driver dropping me off at the gym] see you back here in five minutes

Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all

I believe that there is a radio station called WPMN, Worst Possible Music Network, and they are always playing it in the locker room at my gym.

Support bacteria
They’re the only culture some people have.

My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves

Valentine’s Day is *not* the most romantic day of the year; the winter solstice is, because it gives you the most amount of time to spend with your vampire husband before the sun rises.

Roadtripping with my family has taught me that my marriage can withstand anything except roadtripping with my family.

To keep track of us all in the 50’s mom just hung us up on the clothes line.

4: mom can I sing just a short song?

me: yes

4: ok its only just three hours long I promise

narrator: it was in fact, only just three hours long

The very first thing I think of doing when I buy a new electrical appliance is immersing it in water so I’m really glad the instructions warn against that.

I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.

Of all the things the Internet has lied to me about, the ease and enthusiasm with which a cat will ride a Roomba is the biggest.

Miles: Mom what does clitoral damage mean?
Me: 😳 Use it in a sentence, baby
Miles: Like clitoral damage in a war?
Me: Co-lat-er-ul, babe

I just left a pregnancy test box in my brother’s bathroom to mess with him and his new girlfriend.

Dr: How many drinks do you have per week?

Me: Four-

Dr: okay

Me: -teen

Dr:

Me: -ish.