I bet you 5390.24$ you can’t guess how much money I owe my parents.
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Homophobia isnt much about fear, true, but I wish it was more like Arachnaphobia(I heard that every year in your sleep you swallow 7 gays)
What is your favorite movie where Tom Cruise runs really fast?
Me: *delivers fantastic presentation*
Fish Boss: great work!
Me: thanks for letting MINNOW what you think!
Fish Boss: you’re fired.
[opening birthday cards]
me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these
walmart clerk: put those back
Them: hello! we’ve been trying to reach you about your extended warranty
Me: cool – first let me tell you about my podcast!
(Line goes dead)
*slurps from a spoon*
Yep this hot tub is ready.
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
Him: I’m a morning person
Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??
Not to say my family is messy but I’ve had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.
Heard a young person say that if you’re over 40, your bedtime should be before 10. I was immediately offended until I realized mine is 9:45
Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg
Horse: I want to go home
[Watching halftime show]
ME: I hope I look as good as Jlo when I’m 50.GIRLFRIEND: You don’t look that good now.
ME: Yeah I’m not 50 yet.
If I were a Scooby Doo villain, I’d take the whole thing to court. How hard can it be to overturn the testimony of 4 kids who talk to a dog?
“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”
Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.
Sure I’m stable, but like in the way a flatline is stable
People with Swiss bank accounts are often confused between their Bank balance and the Back Account number.
They should remake The Ring; instead of a tape, the creepy little girl uploads her video to YouTube and wipes out pretty much everybody.
I didn’t forget your birthday I just forgot today’s date.
-me, forgetting your birthday
a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people
6-year-old: When I grow up, do I have to get a job?
Me: Only if you want food and shelter.
6: *carefully considers her options*
Therapist: Where do you see this going?
Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.
There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.
[on a first date]
Her: I don’t like guns
Me: *casually unrolls my t-shirt sleeves*
Captain Crunch is basically an exfoliator for your mouth
I have decided to take a martial arts class to deal with the mall’s aggressive kiosk people.
Martin Shkreli in jail: “Can I have an aspirin?”
Jail: “Yes. That will be $197,000.”
The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.