I bet you could move to the UK and start calling people a, “bleeding tea cozy mop ringer” and it would eventually catch on
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In hell you’re given 1 child and you have all of eternity to get that child to finish their dinner.
*I look into abyss*
*Abyss looks at me*
*Abyss blinking message in Morse code*
*I go off to learn Morse*
*I return*
“Why do we park in a dri
Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it
“Nutella causes cancer” says one scientist with his mouth covered in chocolate. “Send your jars to me and I will dispose of them.”
Please. My wife. She’s very sick.
Me in my 20’s: I graduated with honors
Me in my 40’s: I beat Waze to work
I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
“I could eat.”
-me (right after I’ve eaten)
But what if it’s actually three trench coats disguised as a guy in a trench coat?
Boss: you need to take a drug test
Me: not if you want me to do this job
Don’t go chasin’ waterfalls. If a waterfall isn’t staying in place you probably have bigger things to worry about. Run for your life.
Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce?
Well, I’m guessing it’s because the other fifty percent can’t afford lawyers.
“We’re not buying another toy until Mommy gets laid!” might not be the most appropriate thing to yell in ToysRUs.
20% of being the BBC Wimbledon presenter is telling people what other telly programmes have been cancelled.
stages of eating a banana:
– oh hey a banana
– it’s so sweet
– so easy to chew
– I like bananas
– oh god I’m only halfway done
– how big is this banana
– I’m so bored
– will this ever end
– one bite left
– I’m throwing it away now
Anderson Cooper: “the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control.”
Arizona Wildfire: “Wow, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”
WIFE: You said you were going to put the dog down
ME: *in tears* I TRIED BUT HE HAD SOME REALLY DEVASTATING COMEBACKS
I wish I were better at subtweets cause I have some really passive aggressive things I’ld like to say to a couple of you
I’m crowd funding an organic lettuce purchase from Whole Foods.
Me at 25: I would never date anyone who smokes.
Me now: I would never date anyone.
I refused to buy 9yo a polished stone at the store to go with the rocks she found on the way into the store, and let’s just say our relationship is a little rocky right now.
You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.
“That’s one small step for man. That’s one open fridge for man. That’s one good sandwich for-”
“Neil! Stop.”
“I WALKED ON THE MOON, JANET”
my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”
Sext: ‘Ride me harder, baby. Harder’
Me: ‘I’M ALREADY TYPING IN ALL CAPS, WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME?’
-“I hear the Israeli PM isn’t too worried about that latest hack because..”
-“Please don’t”
-“…Benjamin’s Not on Yahoo”
-“I’m leaving you”
Boss: Why do you need to leave work early?
Me: Bro, I’m straight up not having a good time.
I go to the same coffee shop twice every morning, 1st with my dogs, right out of bed, second on my way to work after I have brushed my hair and put on makeup.
I’m fairly certain thr barista thinks I’m 2 different people.
ME: [explaining to a class of students] The real reason sharks lose teeth so often is because they have a very bad memory
ZOOKEEPER: [into walkie-talkie] She’s back