Now wait a minute- 😭😭😭
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Me: I’ve got the singing voice of an angle
Friend: Don’t you mean angel?
M: Nope, people hear me sing and do a complete 180
new app: may we send you notifications?
me: sure
app: *sends notification*
me: oh hell no
mmmm This chocolate speaks my language. Or it would, if it weren’t being eaten. So. I guess it’s probably horrified-screaming my language.
[me as a magician]
ME: *pulls rabbit from hat*
AUDIENCE: ooohhh!
ME: *pulls knife from hat*
AUDIENCE: OOOHHH!!!
ME: *pulls sautée pan from hat*
AUDIENCE: NNOOOOOO
I don’t want to say I’m naïve, but two women asked me to come to their hotel and make a sandwich, and I showed up with a griddle, bread, and 3 kinds of cheese
ME: I’d give anything to talk with my dad again
(my dad’s ghost appears)
DAD: Hey son
ME: Dad!
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD: So uh… do you wanna talk to your mother now
ME: yeah ok
DAD: good talking to you
ME: you too dad
How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.
He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.
Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.
Its raining, its pouring,
Working here is boring.
It hurts my head, wish I was dead,
I’m just gonna lay on the flooring.
Spotted in New Orleans.
Those who carry teensy cute purses shouldn’t throw stones at those who wear cargo shorts, because I can carry more stones.
Every time you go away, you take a piece of me with you.
“Awww…. you’re so sweet”.
No seriously, first my hoodie disappears, then my phone charger vanishes, and now my AirPods have vaporized.
In India, Twitter crush is choosen by your parents.
4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work?
Me: No, I have to listen to my boss.
4: Mom is at your work?
Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.
Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!
nothing in life prepared me for the trauma of a wildlife narrator saying “but danger lurks” after showing me ten minutes of footage of adorable fur babies
For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.
My safe word is “insufficient funds”.
Searched Walmart app for frozen calamari. They said “No can do. Could we offer you some…”
Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but rumor has it he’s still telling me about himself.
Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.
WIFE: I want a new baby monitor for Christmas
ME: k
[Christmas morning]
WIFE: um
PRESENT UNDER TREE: *hisses and rustles*
ME: you should open that one first
I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit
Would you like to learn about the Mormon Church?
“No thanks.”
Don’t judge too quickly. We have a lot of sects…
“WHERE DO I SIGN UP?”
*during an argument
**command Z, command Z
Well damn, that didn’t work
And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text