@StellaRtwot

I bet you the first person to invent puzzles was a woman that ripped up a picture of her husband.

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@capnwatsisname

Me: what I’m saying is I don’t just hungry hippos you. I hungry hungry hippos you.

Priest [whispering to bride]: it’s not too late to do the traditional vows

@iwearaonesie

*comes back with wife’s purse*
w: I said don’t run or people will think you stole it! How many times did you get tackled?
m:[bleeding] Twice

@OhNoSheTwitnt

Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.

@smithsara79

Me: Hey Mom!

My mom: Oh haha I get that all the time

Me: Wha-

Definitely my mom: *walking away from me* Just one of those faces, I guess!

@DirtMcTurd

My friends call me Superman, not because I help people, its because I wear the same clothes everyday

@Skoogeth

[literally every petting zoo]

Zookeeper: wanna pet a goat?

Me: [shrugs] I guess

Zookeeper: k cool. Cuz we got, like, 90% goats here.

@Dildo_Hitler

Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling

@Kristen_Arnett

how come in movies people can punch each other 500 times while falling off a building and get up but in real life i accidentally kicked the end of the couch and i had to lie on the floor for 30 minutes

@yonewt

This is your yearly reminder to not put bananas in fruit salads

@iliezabeth

ME: can u pick me up in ur claws
DRAGON: go AWAY dammit
ME: can u just put me in ur mouth pls—I wanna look out from ur teeth like im in jail