Me: what I’m saying is I don’t just hungry hippos you. I hungry hungry hippos you.
Priest [whispering to bride]: it’s not too late to do the traditional vows
I bet you the first person to invent puzzles was a woman that ripped up a picture of her husband.
You Might Also Like
*comes back with wife’s purse*
w: I said don’t run or people will think you stole it! How many times did you get tackled?
Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.
Me: Hey Mom!
My mom: Oh haha I get that all the time
Definitely my mom: *walking away from me* Just one of those faces, I guess!
My friends call me Superman, not because I help people, its because I wear the same clothes everyday
[literally every petting zoo]
Zookeeper: wanna pet a goat?
Me: [shrugs] I guess
Zookeeper: k cool. Cuz we got, like, 90% goats here.
Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling
how come in movies people can punch each other 500 times while falling off a building and get up but in real life i accidentally kicked the end of the couch and i had to lie on the floor for 30 minutes
This is your yearly reminder to not put bananas in fruit salads
ME: can u pick me up in ur claws
DRAGON: go AWAY dammit
ME: can u just put me in ur mouth pls—I wanna look out from ur teeth like im in jail