I bet you’ll watch the cell phone camera footage of this concert for years & remember the fun you had holding up a cell phone at a concert.
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Her: What are you wearing for New Year’s Eve?
Me: My nicest robe and whatever booze doesn’t make it into my mouth.
It’s NOT day drinking if you didn’t sleep the night before, mother.
*plays Rocky theme song*
*cracks 5 raw eggs into glass and gulps them down*
*vomits on kitchen floor*
*turns off music*
*cleans kitchen*
“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
Me: Push!
Grandkids: But, you’re heavy.
Me: What did the sign say?
Grandkids: No children in shopping cart :((
Me: Rules are rules.
i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on
Netflix an..holy shit! How’d you get your pants off that fast?
I’m a multitasker, for example I can be a couch potato and a baked potato at the same time
My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster
’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.
1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”
My lack of pants is nobody’s business.
i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery
witch: what do u need?
me: a spell to make my dad proud
dad: *rips off witch mask* always looking for a shortcut unbelievable
“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Again
BOSS: I’m sorry I just don’t trust your judgment.
ME: [trying to pick up glass of water with both fists wedged in Pringles tubes] explain..
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
sometimes you see a really brain-dead “political theory” take on here, then you realize it’s just a 19-year-old who figured out a really verbose way to say they hate school
Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.
2 atoms of helium acting funny ~ HeHe
me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉
her: are those empty
Called in telepathically this morning, so they know I’m thinking of them.
[getting a ride home]
Me: ok keep going straight here
Train engineer: stop saying that
Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it
Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell
[trying on a camouflage jacket]
Me: how much is this
Store Clerk: how much is what
I’ll never understand the appeal of TV shows about food. To me that’s like listening to the Victoria Secret Fashion Show on the radio.
I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.