@mack44_d

I bet zombies feel the same way about mannequins as I do about oatmeal raisin cookies.

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@Lexactly

Dentistry is the perfect profession for people who like to talk but don’t want a response

@WilliamAder

I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.

@autocorrects

I don’t understand why some snacks are “fun-sized”, there’s really nothing “fun” about having a smaller portion of food.

@beermanboobs

Oh, you said floppy DISK.
*pulls pants back up*
Yeah, I don’t know what that is.

@WheelTod

[Surgery]

Anaestheologist: “Count back from 100, please.”

Me: “100, …, um…, …, uh…”

Anaestheologist: “OK. He’s out!”

*Surgeon starts sawing off leg

*I hold in the pain to disguise the embarrassment over my innumeracy

@dixonshuman

It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.

@julcasagrande

Day 7: My dogs and I switched roles and I’m the one following them around the house now.

@Marcmywords2

72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.

@BeTheCookie

I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.