I bet zombies feel the same way about mannequins as I do about oatmeal raisin cookies.
You Might Also Like
Headline: “Female-named hurricanes kill more than male hurricanes because people don’t respect them, study finds”.
AKA, “My eye is up here”.
Me: and i love that thing u do with ur tongue piercing..
Wife: OMG [storms off]
Me: WRITING OUR OWN VOWS WAS YOUR IDEA LYDIA
[Priest faints]
Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking.
We are NOT ok.
Hey did you know that if you step on the gas and brake at the same time your car takes a screenshot.
*playing hide & seek with my group*
5: I’m only going to count to ten
Me: why?
5: because I haven’t grown more fingers yet
I’m glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law. I wouldn’t want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or an attorney-at-pottery.
Me: What are you going to wear on the first day of school?
9-year-old: My coolest shirt.
Me: What about the second day?
9: My coolest shirt again.
I’m going to be doing a lot of laundry.
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
waiter: would you like a table?
me: yes, the multiplication please
Took a good look at my finances.
I won’t make that mistake again.
My husband asked me to put him to sleep with a happy ending…
*reads a book “and they lived happily ever after”
Mmmm yeah, you like that?
[Phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u love?
W: omg YES!
ME: I’m petting a dog near there
Irish I was a lil bit smaller. Irish I was a leprechaun baller. Irish I had a shamrock & a hat, & endless gold coins in a big black cauldron
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted.
Crush calls.
Me: *Googles: how to lose 50lbs overnight*
me: salt rim please.
barista: what.
My 5 year old just hugged me and said, “Thank you for promising to sleep in my bed with me tonight, Mommy” and that’s why you don’t answer any questions before coffee in the morning
My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.
For some reason my hotel room has 2 toilets and i have been using them equally so neither one “feels left out” in case you’re wondering how i’m doing.
Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.
A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.
Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties
You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”
I was pretty nervous doing stand-up in front of a bunch of nudists but then I imagined the crowd in their underwear and it helped so much.
Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…
Johnny Depp: no thanks.
Never once has a guy said, “She’s cute but I wish her eyelashes would be so big they’d weigh down her eyelids”
If a vegetarian who eats fish is a pescatarian, is a vegetarian who eats chicken called a poultrygeist?
If you can’t handle my interpretive dance to November Rain than you don’t deserve me doing splits on the hood of your car to Whitesnake.