I bet zombies feel the same way about mannequins as I do about oatmeal raisin cookies.

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Dentistry is the perfect profession for people who like to talk but don’t want a response


I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.


I don’t understand why some snacks are “fun-sized”, there’s really nothing “fun” about having a smaller portion of food.


Oh, you said floppy DISK.
*pulls pants back up*
Yeah, I don’t know what that is.



Anaestheologist: “Count back from 100, please.”

Me: “100, …, um…, …, uh…”

Anaestheologist: “OK. He’s out!”

*Surgeon starts sawing off leg

*I hold in the pain to disguise the embarrassment over my innumeracy


It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.


Day 7: My dogs and I switched roles and I’m the one following them around the house now.


72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.


I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.