I better help you finish that whiskey before it spoils.
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I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
My 11yo just asked me if I was gonna be a “single Pringle” forever and I’m laughing so hard I can’t even be mad.
Emoji: because sometimes a chicken, the Spanish flag, and a lesbian couple is the only way to express how you really feel.
16 yo me: *about to take math final* You got this.
26 yo me: *about to run a marathon* You got this.
36 yo me: *about to start a movie after 8pm* You got this.
I never had children but I still get to watch my dogs find clever ways to avoid eating broccoli.
Them: What would you do with a million dollars?
Me: Pay off student loans.
Them: And with the rest?
Me: lol “the rest.”
Me: Just the other night I was sleeping in my bed and now here I am in the grandest backyard in the world having champagne with you fine people.
The Anthill That Has Formed By My Trashcan: *ant noises*
Failed Hallmark card:
I’m sorry I stabbed you with a fork when you leaned in to kiss me.I thought you were going to take my taco.
ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.
Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats
Why is it called ‘Your Bowels’ and not ‘Your Instinks’
Me: Table for 1.
Host: Just 1?
Me: Yes. Can you enunciate “just” a little harder?
There are days & nights where I’m surrounded by profound Darkness, followed by a realisation that I need to stop wearing shades in my house.
When is it appropriate to double text someone?
I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding
Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth
Honestly the only reason I had more than one kid was so one day they’d be able to push each other on the swings. That shit is exhausting.
I’ve noticed you keep tiny pictures of family members in your wallet. Nice, I didn’t know you played. I’m looking to trade my Nana card.
I told my 3-year-old the beans in her taco were chocolate jelly beans and she took 3 whole bites before she decided to never trust me again.
Don’t explain my jokes to me. I don’t want to know what I mean.
Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9
That tattoo of wings on your back are good. But wings that small could hardly get you off the ground though. *reveals full body wing tattoo*
Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.
This is funnier than it should be. 😂
<—- homeless romantic
Why do the French eat snails?
Because they don’t like fast food.
I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave
I hate it when people tell me to “stay in your lane!” Granted i’m drunk at the bowling alley, but it’s still uncalled for.
My son walked into the kitchen and said I bet you don’t know what 47 divided by by 4 is and when I told him 11 remainder 3 he said thanks and walked back to the room he was doing his homework in. It was a smooth transition. But now I understand the play and it won’t happen again.
Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”