“I better pee first.”
– me, before doing anything
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Remember kids — it may be illegal to text and drive; but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.
Wife: I made you an appt. with the eye doctor
Me: [spreading cream cheese onto Destiny’s Child CD] MY EYES ARE FINE
Two eggs, some bacon, and a piece of toast walk into a bar. The bartender says, hey! We don’t serve breakfast here. #Tellyourworstjoke
“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”
– Me, camping
If you rarely drive on snow, just pretend you’re taking your grandma to church. There’s a platter of biscuits and 2 gallons of sweet tea in glass jars in the back seat. She’s wearing a new dress and holding a crock pot full of gravy.
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.
My 10yo just RickRolled me so I’m busy choreographing a first day of middle school flash mob to teach this twerp a lesson.
ME: Thank you for your service.
VETERINARIAN: Again, I’m not that kind of vet.
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME: Thank you for your purrvice.
If by multitasking you mean ruining my life in more than one way at a time, then yes, I’m multitasking.
*first date*
Brain: Quick say something intresting
Me: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake
Brain: Nice
There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.
Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.
I’m so glad the “you break it, you buy it” policy doesn’t apply to hymens.
Today’s Times
Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.
Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.
*First day as a spy
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
Me:Oh yes.At Russian Embassy:
“Boris, where did all these damn ants come from?”
When life handed Chuck Norris lemons, he made chocolate pudding.
My outfit today says “I’m going for a run in the fresh air and maybe do some yoga afterwards.”
My outfit is full of lies.
[texting]
-have a good day
You two!
*to
Ugh *tpp
Arghh *yoo
DAMMIT *two
shit *TOO
YOU TOO
There! 🙂-please stop texting me
Ha! You two!
The worst part about having your death go viral is that you get kicked off the Queue for Taylor Swift tickets. #RIPJimmyFallon
What’s up with you needing to tell me you’re a ‘native New Yorker’ thru your license plate? Is it like ‘babe, we should move over. There’s a native New Yorker coming up behind us’?
Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.
Banana: 105 calories.
Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.
If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi
I woke up this morning feeling ever so confident that today was the day I would commit myself to physical fitness.
Right after I finish this bacon, egg, and cheese McGriddle.
No thanks, Cosmo. I already know 20 ways to drive my man crazy in the bedroom. Any room really. Unintentionally. I’m difficult to be with.
SALMON: Who has been spreading gossip I thought I could trust you two
TROUT: I don’t know, who could it be?!
BIG MOUTH BASS: Yeah, who??
Real estate agent: You can’t get cell phone calls out here.
Me: We’ll take it.
My hobby is misidentifying dinosaurs so my daughter can correct me
Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.