[i bite into an apple and a swarm of bees comes flying out]
“this gives me an idea for a restaurant”

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Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.


FB friend’s boy in a baseball uniform pic: “Our little pitcher”

Me: “He looks more like a catcher”

Nobody got it.

So I’m back here..


Alcohol doesn’t make you fat… it makes you Lean… on tables, chairs & random ugly people…or sometimes floors


*makes plans with someone*

(30 seconds later) what have I done


Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.


“No way!” said the hitchhiker as both he & the driver held up an ax. “I was gonna kill you!” “No I was gonna kill YOU!” eruption of laughter


Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.


A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.