I blame 2 of my 3 DUIs on Jesus because I specifically told him to take the wheel
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Me: I just used my debit card to buy some running shoes.
Coworker: New Balance?
Me (turning red): Fourteen dollars & 23 cents.
My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.
Wife (in deep thought): *clicking pen over and over again*
Me: Can you please stop doing that while we’re having sex?
Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.
In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”
[after discovering wine] WHAT ELSE *hiccup* WHAT ELSE CAN WE DRINK AFTER IT GOES BAD
Ranch ice cream is why we can’t have nice things
Me: What’s your name please?
Customer: Hal
Me: I never met a Hal What’s that short for?
Customer: Harold
Me: I’m gonna go ahead and write Hallelujah
Boss: Could you ever just don’t?
Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
I JUST CANT LOOK ITS KILLING ME
Taking inventory at a granite warehouse is counter productive.
*addresses the elephant in the room*
*puts a stamp on the elephant in the room*
“My pen pal is gonna love this.”
We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.
Keep finding mysterious rocks in the pockets of my 6 y/o’s sweatshirt after school.
Can’t tell whether she’s starting a collection or planning a 1st Grade Shawshank Redemption.
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. measure twice, cut once
her: what?
me: what?
it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely
Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school
The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.
Shout out to the spider this morning who built a web across the front door making it look as though I’m terrified of sunlight as soon as I walk out.
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.
Every once in a while in a bag of peanut m&m’s you get that one roundboi that has no peanut and it’s just a thicc m&m and that’s the m&m i’d like to be if I were an m&m
If a bear attacks you, play dead. Ok good, you’re about to feel like this forever
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
“It’s the holidays”
*eats a pizza*“It’s the holidays”
*eats 3 cheeseburgers*“It’s the holidays”
*eats my food, your food & a small baby*