Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,
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I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”
Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.
I want you to meet my friend “Ami”
I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT
INTERVIEWER: So, do you have any questions for me?
ME: What’s the Wi-Fi password?
I: About the job
M: What is the company Wi-fi password?
Four stages of my life:
1. Life is beautiful.
2. What is twitter?
3. Twitter is beautiful.
4. What is life?
I just saw a couple walking and they both had ankle monitors, which just goes to show that there’s someone for everybody.
I know “hate” is a strong word but there’s really no other way to describe my feelings for people getting cars for Christmas in tv commercials
Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.
I just heard some kind of young person on the radio reviewing a song, referring to “that old retro sound from about 2005”, so, if anyone needs me, I’ll be screaming into a pillow until some blood comes out.
my ear. is inside out. and the human. is not home to fix it. i have put the household. on alert level. dark grey.
My 4yo thinks you age a whole year in one night, so she’s scrutinizing me closely for any changes today. I’m tempted to put on a bald cap or blacken out some teeth.
People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.
I’m deleting all my dating apps cause I’m worried my boyfriend might find out about them
Husband:
I have no milkshakes. No one comes to my yard. The grass looks fantastic.
“I’m going to lay right here in the doorway and give people a dumb look as they trip over me.”- Damned dog…. Could’ve been me though.
romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission
Everyone talks about how mean geese are and how aggressive geese are but it seems like we used to eat a lot of goose holiday dinners and now we don’t so
Apparently on Facebook you can “like” that someone “liked” something. I just liked the movie “Inception”, and now we wait.
me: my phone is always on silent
them: don’t you miss calls?
me: yes 🙂
Every time I see someone use cause in place of because I’m tempted to ask what cause they are referring to… clean air? a cure for cancer?
Be specific with your causes, people.
I do not hit my children. However, I do text them in complete sentences with capitalization and punctuation, which is apparently equally aggressive.
Reaction when you try to get out of plans but the person keeps rescheduling so you can make it.
Me: Goodnight, see you in the morning
3: Goodnight, see you in a minute
ME: how will i die
FORTUNE TELLER: you will be hit by a car
ME: will my wife miss me
FORTUNE TELLER: perhaps i wasn’t clear
Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting
Why put it off till tomorrow when you can get a jumpstart and start screwing it up today.
What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?
ME: Just don’t touch my Pop Tarts and we’ll be okay
PRIEST: *stunned* I’d like to remind everyone that the couple chose to write their own vows