I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues
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Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.
Son?
“Yes dad?”
If they ever put me on my death bed… I want you to…
“Yes?”
Tell those idiots to put me on a life bed instead wtf
“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games
Based on a survey of yard signs in my neighborhood, it appears “Drive Like Your Kids Live Here” has a slight lead over both the Democratic and Republican candidates.
‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am
Me: Screw you, Tuesday!
Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.
Always do the right thing
everyone has a camera.
[food naming committee]
… Ok. Cow?
– Beef
Ground up?
– Burger
Great. Pig?
– Pork
Baked & sliced?
– Ham
Super! Deer?
– Venison
Fish?
– Fish
Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax
Me:She’s better than me.
BF:She’s not.
M:Look at those, they’re incredible!
BF:
M:STOP STARING!-Boyfriend reading other women’s tweets
Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision
If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.
Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.
I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.
My kids made a toy phone for the baby so he can call his baby friends, and I’m like, come on, be real. He’s a baby. He doesn’t have friends.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: I brought a girl home last night
911: That’s not an-
Me: NOW SHE WON’T LEAVE!
*swat team busts down my door*
remember when we were little & we all thought we knew karate
Damn, i got hit with the “we need to talk” from my wife. Thank God it was just about divorce. I was scared shitless it was an intervention.
How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, she’s still alive.
the girl from the ring starts crawling out of the tv, stops halfway, looks around my room, and crawls back into the tv
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood
Me: well technically, no — you don’t suck what you’re drinking. You want to suck my NECK
Dracula: vhoa
Was voted “Most Needy” in my high school yearbook. Practically had to beg them for it.
This bank app is great for checking account activity!
Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.
I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color
By substituting your morning coffee with green tea, you can reduce up to 94% of what little joy you had left.
“NOAH. YOU WILL BUILD AN ARK”
k
“NOT “K” THIS IS IMPORTANT”
Sorry
“THATS OK. TAKE 2 OF EVERY ANIMAL ON IT”
Even fish?
*THUNDER*
“NO NOT FISH
This pandemic has prompted a lot of questions like, “Who is at the most risk” and “Is it airborne” and “Has my wife always chewed that loudly?”
My teen’s stories have a beginning, middle, and I need $20.
the human. just got home. i have no idea. where they’ve been. but in their absence. they’ll be proud to see. that i took it. upon myself. to redistribute. all the footwear. i could find. throughout the household. because i decided. that was. my duty