I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.
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I offered my nephew a donut and he said “no thanks, I’m not hungry rn” and I don’t think this little shit knows how donuts work.
me forcing everyone to watch a movie i really like
I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.
Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.
You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.
ME: hmm…tastes like chicken
MORTICIAN: get out
NASA: The moon is wobbling.
Me [on my 3rd Bloody Mary]: same
chore hatred level:
considering becoming a raw food vegan and drinking straight from the garden hose to avoid doing dishes
HER: (touching my chest) What a fascinating tattoo…
ME: Thanks. I was carrying a squid and a porcupine, and I tripped.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.
The shortest amount of time known to man is what scientists call a “sundae second.” It refers to the period of time between when your child says he is too full to finish dinner and when he asks for ice cream.
No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.
Him: Did you poop in the shower?
Me: Is that an actual question you’re asking me right now?
H: Well who else could it be?
M: How about one of our kids that’s known to do stuff like that and not YOUR WIFE THAT TRADITIONALLY DOESN’T SHIT THE SHOWER?
H: Oh that makes more sense.
I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.
Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder
Wife: I won’t ask again, take the trash out!
Me: OK, ok. I’m doing it!
[3 days later]
W: Can you take the trash out?
M: No way!
W: *angry* I beg your pardon?
M: *shrugging* You promised you’d never ask me again
W: I despise you
[Going to Starbucks for the first time]
*Ok be calm and ask for a Tall Latte as practised*
[a little later]
‘Hi can I have Lall Tatte?’
I’m not sure I like progress.
I asked my youngest for her Christmas list and she held up her phone and said, “Just scan this QR code.”
Oh, you got a promotion? Congratulations! I got a promotion at home: my kids unanimously voted me “the WORST.”
My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?
Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.
I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?
Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.
Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.
swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed
Son: Dad, can you teach me how to use a condom?
Me: Yeah so you just put the drugs in, swallow it, and then poop it out when the plane lands.
me:
british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,
My mom regularly mentions that I was a large baby
I turn 25 in two weeks