Me: Should I measure this in miles or kilometers?
Scientist: It doesn’t matter right now just pick something.
Me: What do you mean just pick something??
Scientist: Desperate times call for desperate measures.
I blame the 80s for making me want to transform into a truck instead of a better person.
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When a guy wearing cargo pants hits on me I’m tempted to go out with him just to see how many of my belongings I can fit into his pockets.
I’m a math truther now. Infinity is a lie. Numbers stop at 39.
Judas: You guys coming to the last supper?
Everyone Else: Why’d you call it that?
the best way to avoid people outside stores with clipboards is by carrying your own
Me: there’s a swarm of beets outside
Her: you mean bees?
[loud thud on the window]
Me: get the gun
6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it
4:09am, June 14, 2029: no
Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…
Dad, did you let the parrot name me?
– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.
Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, “I love you too!” while hanging out of the sunroof.