@ozzyunc

I blame the 80s for making me want to transform into a truck instead of a better person.

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@JoeRegular4

Me: Should I measure this in miles or kilometers?

Scientist: It doesn’t matter right now just pick something.

Me: What do you mean just pick something??

Scientist: Desperate times call for desperate measures.

@careworn

When a guy wearing cargo pants hits on me I’m tempted to go out with him just to see how many of my belongings I can fit into his pockets.

@lmegordon

I’m a math truther now. Infinity is a lie. Numbers stop at 39.

@ThaJawn

Judas: You guys coming to the last supper?

Everyone Else: Why’d you call it that?

@lgbk44

the best way to avoid people outside stores with clipboards is by carrying your own

@PleaseBeGneiss

Me: there’s a swarm of beets outside

Her: you mean bees?

[loud thud on the window]

Me: get the gun

@rebrafsim

6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it

4:09am, June 14, 2029: no

@TheBoydP

Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…

@stevevsninjas

Dad, did you let the parrot name me?

– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.

@Parkerlawyer

Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, “I love you too!” while hanging out of the sunroof.

Me, 1
Kids, 0