He also looks really rough for a 4 year old
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Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder
[Job interview]
Him: Do you have any questions?
Me: What kind of snacks are in the vending machine?
Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena
[first date]
Date: I like bad boys, and sensitive guys
Me: [slowly uncovers Golden Girls tattoo]
Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.
although you definitely do get used to it after a while, the most annoying thing about being 5’11 is that when you’re out in public, you constantly overhear people saying “holy shit, that’s the tallest person i’ve ever seen in my life”
DAD: Hugh, please. It’s a perfectly fine name. Stop complaining.
HUGH J’DISAPPOINTMENT: It’s not my first name I’m upset about.
Age 15: I wanna live in a mansion
Age 25: Ok a big house, in a nice neighborhood
Age 35: *googles ‘Best Months to Live Outside’*
A fancy juice bar shut down near my house, and I am terrified of what the next level of gentrification might be. A gastropub/crossbow range? A CBD eye drop salon? A private club for dogs who don’t believe in vaccines?
Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”
I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!
~ me to my kids for the 387th time today
I don’t have emotional baggage , I have got a small carry on griefcase
Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one?
Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?
My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.
FOMO? No, I’ve got FOBI. Fear of being invited.
[dinner at my parents’]
my gf: thank you for having me
me: they’re not your parents weirdo
Orcas are the Canadian geese of the ocean.
humans only use 10% of their treadmills
Things I’ve Learned From Horror Movies:
•Don’t have sex, you’ll die.
•Don’t leave the group, you’ll die.
•Don’t be black, you’ll die first.
Me: Ah-woooo!
The Moon: [swipes left]
Am not being sponsored to say this but if anyone is looking for a way to make swallowing food easier, try using “Teeth”. I recently began using teeth while eating and it’s reduced the number of Heimlich manoeuvres I receive per month by over 94% 👍
Wife: Honey! Dan is here!
Me: Dan from work? Or Dan who changes all his swears into bunny-related PG cusses?
Dan: That’s right jack rabbits, Dan is all up in this motherthumper!
Somewhere in an alternate universe
[my wife wants an expensive audi]
ME: instead of buying 1 car for $60k we could buy 2 cars for $30k each
HER: *rolls eyes* oh sure, then why not 3 cars for $20k each?
ME: great point, could even do 4 cars for $15k each
[an hour later]
ME: how about 60,000 cars for $1 each
in the original Little Mermaid, Flounder was meatier. if you saw him on someone’s plate on a restaurant you’d go “i’ll have THAT.” This new one does not look appetizing and could not satisfy me.
When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.
Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death
Gladiator: Hell yeah
Madiator: well this is bullshit
Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.
I took away my 5 year-old’s iPad as he was somewhat uncouth during dinner last night, and now he is walking around the house yelling “Siri, tell me where you are!”