[Wizard of Oz characters Now]
Scarecrow: professor
Tin Man: fell in love
Lion: public speaker
Toto: still blessing the rains down in africa
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Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.
A couple of years ago, I convinced my son I don’t know how to clap. He’s been trying to teach me ever since. I’m hoping I can keep this going til I stand up and slow clap during his high school graduation
I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,
“Hi”.
My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.
I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what
titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee
It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.
If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.
Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.
Me (being murdered): hey I need to switch the laundry
Murderer (stops stabbing): oh dang you don’t want that stuff sitting in the washer
*checks BMI chart*
*adds “get taller” to New Year’s resolutions*
I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave “quicker”
Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.
The judge, however called it compelling evidence
*eye roll*
A table tale✨
#TheRingsOfPower
[at wine tasting]
Hmm yes, very good. a slight smokey undertone.
“Sir, you just put your cigarette in your wine”
Strong smokey undertone
Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can’t even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.
When guys hold up their legs while riding a motorcycle. Like oh r u having soooo much fun. Are you saying weeeeeee
even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen
Me: Sleep time
Brain: Remember in 9th grade when you rhymed “bridges” with “bridges” in a poem & didn’t notice till you were reciting aloud?
me: you ever have conversations in your head?
me: lmao no
I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”
Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.
If you get confused visiting Canada and you think you’re in France, relax my dear wanderer, you’re not high! It’s not you, it’s just Québec
God: you’re a cuttlefish.
Cuttlefish: yay I love hugs.
God: that’s not what I meant.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: you have 8 arms and 2 tentacles.
Cuttlefish: for hugs?
God: [sigh] no not for hugs.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: also you’re venomous.
Cuttlefish: [happy gasp] danger hugs!
Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.
Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick
Friend: How are you doing?
Me *reading a book about the identification & use of medicinal plants, so that I have a viable apocalypse skill to barter on the offchance of a complete societal breakdown* Fine.