Sleeping Beauty was full of shit. No woman is that nice when you wake her up from a nap.
I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.
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Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb
I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly
draw me like one of your sea-borne property stompers
I was the first person to install trampolines in musician’s tour buses and now everybody is jumping on the bandwagon.
[at the gym]
Body builder: how much can you curl?
Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon
Wife: Sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite!
Me: Haha funny.
[under the mattress]
Bed Bug King: TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL *tiny drums bang*
Try and tell me about your cleanse and I will whip out my pocket bacon and eat it right in front of you.
Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there’s a cop hiding in the bushes
Adam: are you naked?
Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig