“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.
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Always carry a newspaper or magazine so you appear to be preoccupied. – stalker handbook page 2 paragraph 3
Nothing scarier than a server who takes multiple orders without writing anything down.
Me: You were supposed to be cleaning up your room before bed.
9: I want a hug
Me: I’ll never say no to hugs, but your timing is very suspicious.
Everyone saying “Poor Steve Nash, he got hurt again”. POOR? That boy making $9,701,000 this year. If he poor, then I’m skinny.
[Day 5]
GOD: What do you think?
ANGEL: You’re tired. Why don’t we try making the birds tomorrow.
*Breakfast*
-Do u want the buffet?-No, I’ll order off the menu
-The buffet has more options
-That’s ok. I know what I want
-The buffet?
-No.
-Look, I don’t feel like bringing u food.
EGYPTIAN KING: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: what shall we worship?
EGYPTIAN KING: cats
Wife text from work on Easter. “Happy Easter” quick reply as joke “I’m going to grind on you so hard” opens text.Was group family text.truth
Me: you need to show me you can be more responsible
7: I AM RESPONSIBLE *drops scissors next to 9mo baby sister*
I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.
A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo
How a career in technical writing ruined me as a letter writer
me: *taking off shirt* YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME???
dermatologist: once again, it’s called a biopsy
[slamming back a whole creme egg without chewing, foil and all, in front of a horrified shopkeeper] another
interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé
me: yes
interviewer: are you going to?
me: no
Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!
Narrator: “Humans are the product of 4.54 billion years of evolution”
[cut to me pressing harder on remote control when batteries are dead]
Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.
grandpa: what do u call a dog in alaska
me: grandpa, no
grandpa: WHAT DO U CALL A DOG IN ALASKA
me: grandpa please
grandpa: A CHILI DOG
me: grandpa, I-
grandpa: WRITE THAT ON YOUR TWEETER
My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.
I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.
“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”
If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.
What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?
*during sex*
Him: come on baby tell me what you want me to do!
Me: ring for pizza, I’m bloody starving
You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.
Toilet paper has a lot of other uses!
Your baby? Boom. It’s a mummy.
Your dog? Boom. Mummydog.
This lamp? Boom. Your living room is on fire.
My most solemn promise to my friends: If you’re caught in a time-loop, I will believe you. Do you die at some point in the day and wake up to relive it again? And again. And again. Tell me, I’ll believe you. We’ll skip the entire “convincing me” montage.
I. Will. Believe. You.
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn’t on my coupon.