Nurse: Hi I’m Sandi I’ll be drawing your blood today.
Me: [not seeing a single red crayon] How?
I blow-dried my hair, now it looks like the mane of a majestic lion who is really good at video games
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Me: I’m super nervous about this.
Bungee Jump Operator: Don’t overthink it. Just do it.
*I punch him in the face and run like hell*
I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.
My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”
Lance Armstrong should keep his awards. Last time I rode a bike doped up, I ran into a parked zebra.
Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.
I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.
Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.
I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.
How do I tell a man he loves me?