@briangaar

I blow-dried my hair, now it looks like the mane of a majestic lion who is really good at video games

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@WhatsAGreenhorn

Nurse: Hi I’m Sandi I’ll be drawing your blood today.
Me: [not seeing a single red crayon] How?

@stevevsninjas

Me: I’m super nervous about this.
Bungee Jump Operator: Don’t overthink it. Just do it.
Me: ok
*I punch him in the face and run like hell*

@Not_James_Vogel

I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.

@bjnovak

My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”

@inSanelySami

Lance Armstrong should keep his awards. Last time I rode a bike doped up, I ran into a parked zebra.

@ThisLocalHater

I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.

@tyrannees

Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.

@ManJuggs

I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.