@briangaar

I blow-dried my hair, now it looks like the mane of a majestic lion who is really good at video games

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@CulturedRuffian

I SCREAM,

YOU SCREAM,

WE ALL SCREAM,

BECAUSE GRANDPA FORGOT TO

WEAR HIS HEARING AIDS AGAIN!

@PleaseBeGneiss

ME: *trying to highlight text*

WORD: and the last letter of previous word?

ME: no, why? just follow my cursor

WORD: ok so just half this word?

ME: the whole word

WORD: k

ME: wtf

WORD: oops

ME: the word is gone

WORD: the word is gone

@kelkulus

Kim Jong Un has upgraded himself from “Leader of North Korea” to “Supreme Leader of North Korea” by adding sour cream and extra cheese.

@skittle624

Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.

@Kimpulses

Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.

@freshestginger

If I got a boyfriend I wouldn’t know what to do…

What do they eat? How often do they need to be walked? Can they be house trained?

@JessObsess

You really only have 2 options:
1. You can be miserable bc you’re fat
2. You can be miserable bc you’re hungry

@briangaar

Goodnight moon. Goodnight stars. Goodnight 4,000-year-old Earth. Goodnight dinosaur fossils that were put here to test our faith.

@JohnLyonTweets

The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.