*catches up to jogger while wearing the same outfit*
good luck shaking the police off loser
*sprints ahead while sirens can be heard*
You Might Also Like
My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.
When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.
I love that Amazon hires data scientists to figure out that based on my excessive paper towel purchase history I likely have two kids and a cat
Protip: When an office says it’s paperless, it usually does not include the restrooms.
*pets your eyebrows*
there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok
guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed
Normal people eating: *CRUNCH* *SLURP* *GULP* 🙂
Me eating: If I make any noise at all whilst eating people might judge me and I MIGHT DIE
*Remembering the time I took a picture of myself every day for a year without removing the lens cap*
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store
How to eat French fries:
1) Eat all the good ones.
2) Leave the yucky ones and feel superior.
3) Wait 5 minutes.
4) Eat all the yucky ones.
BREAKING: The BBC declares war on Italy
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!
Lately I have the attention span of wait what
a house without a chimney should be called a nouse
Leaving hotel: please if possible try not to trash the room like a 70s rock band. But no worries if you do
Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes.
I had a client Zoom in for Court, smoking a cigarette and beer in hand, slurring words.
Words I never thought I’d hear a judge say: “You’re in court right now. Quit smoking. Put that beer down.”
My son’s field trip consent form lists walkmans & radios under ‘Optional items.’ Where the hell are they going, 1989??
I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.
My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯
The chef asked me how I liked my eggs and I accidentally said uneasy instead of over easy. Now I have some uncomfortable eggs staring at me.
Waitress: *laughs at my husband’s dad joke*
Me: DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU HAVE DONE?!
My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.
I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.
box: meow
schrodinger: ignore that
I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
I started off my new fitness regime this morning with a run. It isn’t the only mistake I’ve made this week, but it’s certainly the biggest.
On the other hand however, hospital food’s much tastier than I expected.
I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.