I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.
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I’m going to be productive today
I’m going to be duct tiv
duct tav
duct tape
I’m going to duct tape the cat to the dog today
Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends
‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.
A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face
I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.
me: how much for the boquet of dogs
girl walking dogs: huh
me: *slipping her $5* how about now
Dog: *Asleep
Dog: *Totally sleeping fam
Dog: *Don’t worry bout me
Dog: *Down for the night
Me: *Gets comfy in bed
Dog: *I gotta pee yo
“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not
Robert Downey Jr. will always be my hero, not because of Iron Man, but because he broke into someone’s home just to take a nap.
[Spelling bee]
Judge: “Your word is unhelpful.”
Kid: “Can you use it in a sentence please?”
Judge: “Nope.”
“…anyway, long story short” bro, you’ve been talking for 53 minutes
Love that ‘beat the number’ electronic sign speed game!
So fun when the officer celebrates your high score with the lights & a certificate!
There’s 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.
Reasons to not go camping No.154:
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…
Is there anything funnier than when a cozy cat or dog suddenly heaves a big SIGH like dude what could possibly be the matter
her: *gets on knees*
me: oh yeah
her: *goes down to all fours*
me: oh yeah
her: *bends over backwards, crawls around the room and screeches praises to The Dark One*
me: oh no
If two women are fighting, put them in the bathroom. Women get along very well in bathrooms
i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle
No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.
My 4yo asked me where people go when they die.
I told her: “I don’t know, but it wouldn’t hurt to check under your bed last thing at night.”
Cat: HUMAN IS TIME 2 DO A NEGOTIATE
Me: ok
Cat: IF U LET CAT EAT JUST ONE PLASTIC CAT WILL PROTECT U FROM SPIDERS
Me: I’m sorry but you can’t eat plastic, it’s really bad for you
Cat: FINE. U AM CHOOSE WAR
Me:
Cat:
Me: where are you going
Cat: MAKE ALLIANCE WITH SPIDERS
TIDE: Hey, where ya goin’?
MOON: Oh, um, I’m just gonna go over here.
TIDE: Okay cool I’ll come too.
MOON: No, no, that’s fine…
TIDE: This is fun, ilu so much.
MOON: That’s nice, I’m actually gonna go back to where I was.
TIDE: omg that’s amazing, me too.
what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince
Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days
Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.
Drove over 3 curbs today (personal best).
[Club]
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then
Survival Tip:
If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.
ME: [first day working at the Christmas tree farm] I shall treat them with love and attention as if they were my pets.
BOSS: I love that
ME: My fir babies
HER: Get out
I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.