I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.
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My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.
My kids act like they’re afraid of monsters, when they are literally the most terrifying creatures I’ve ever met.
How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?– me watching my kids Christmas pageant
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.
10-year-old: What’s it like to be old?
Me: I don’t know. I’m still young and spry.
10: What’s it like to live in denial?
I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.
An odd boast
sober: damn im too lazy to make any food tonight
after two beers: it’s time to cook all the spaghetti in my kitchen
saw a space station pass through the sky last night which was cool but what was not cool was that I saw a guy looking out the window and he mouthed “nerd” at me
I texted my husband about all the sex I’m expecting for my birthday and accidentally sent it to my MIL. She just responded that she’s already made other plans that day.
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
wife: what’s bothering you, hun?
attila: the romans
Anthropic principle: the universe must be as it is in order for us to perceive it
Anthropomorphic principle: look, I’m a talking principle!
incredible book dedication
You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.
A few years ago my dad was driving me to my chemo appointment. Silence. He looked intense. I couldn’t imagine what he was feeling, I’m not a parent. I took his hand and said “what’s on your mind?”
He said “man…having antlers would be crazy”.
Hardest I’ve laughed. Carry on.
All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.
ME: We left the kids at their grandparents
FRIEND: Date night?
ME: No we just don’t like them anymore
GUY: I wish girls liked comics.
GIRL: I love comics.
GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?
So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
Music with headphones while vacuuming is not a good idea.
I just finished the whole house and the vaccum wasn’t even plugged in.
me (putting a $10 bill on the bar): surprise me
bartender: no
me: … excuse me?
bartender (taking my money): you want anything else
kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am
i hope jessica biel names her first child ‘batmo”
So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.
North West: Daddy what were you famous for?
Kanye: Rapping, Son. North West: mommy what
were you famous for? ((awkward silence))
Finally, a month dedicated to nut allergy awareness.
Please do not throw cigarette butts into the urinals, as it makes them soggy and very hard to light
-Bathroom graffiti
rhino: how did you go extinct?
dinosaur: giant meteor from space, you?
rhino: hunted by cruel man, how about you big guy
panda: just couldn’t be bothered to have sex to be honest, just fell over a lot, rolled about