I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass
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[Deathbed]
Me: Don’t put me in the wrong burial plotSon: Dad stop it, I’m never turning this life support off!
Me: because that would be…a grave mistake lol
Son: So is it this switch here or
Him: I’m thinking about shaving my beard
Her: Okay
Him: You don’t mind?
Her: Nope
Him: Great
Her: I’m thinking about getting a divorce
Him: You’ve made your point
Her: You’ve changed.
Chameleon: Jesus, Karen, not this again.
Stephen King ruined corn children for me
If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.
Yes, I have a fitness app. I use it to time how long it takes the pizza delivery guy to get here.
Note to self: always read the final line
[god creating sharks]
angel: what is this?
god: *wearing ‘live every week like it’s shark week’ shirt* I just want this to make sense
Her: I always knew I was going to be a mummy. I feel like I’ve been preparing for this my whole life. Is that the same for you?
Me: Well, I gained the baby weight preemptively if that counts?
i had the idea to smash a lightbulb and a bunch of broken glass appeared above my head
Against the wall, on the counter and bent over the couch are the places I like to stretch.
[Jews being led out of Egypt]
Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn’t just stop & ask directions?
Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!
There’s nothing creepier than the way they’re relentlessly pushing eating bugs.
me: aren’t you going to ask if i’m sexually active
doctor: i don’t really need to
me: wait why
doctor:
me:
doctor: look i heard you say ‘okie dokie’ to the receptionist i already know you aren’t
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
[zoo]
cop: what happened here?
boss: they attacked when he tried to inflate one of them
me inside enclosure: [with final breath] babloon
BOSS: this is our mortician, david
ME: *goes up for a high five* more like caDAVEer, amirite
DAVID:
ME: just gonna stiff me, huh?
DAVID:
ME: ᵒᶠ ᶜᵒʳᵖˢᵉ ʸᵒᵘ ᵃʳᵉ
My coworkers are trying to talk me into doing a Polar Plunge. If I want to be doused into freezing cold water I’ll just have someone flush while I’m taking a shower.
Calories in one pistachio: 4
Calories burned opening one pistachio: 2,753
Take that, kale.
This toilet won’t flush!!
Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”
I told all my neighbors that I have a twin . . . so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
COWBOY: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us.
CITY PLANNER: No this is just the mockup. The actual town will be much bigger.
ONLINE BOYFRIEND: “Why do you have so many socks?”
ME: [hiding my octopus tentacles while on webcam] “Haha, no reason. They are just fun to have.”
She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
During dinner 10 asked 5 to imagine a world without ketchup. She hasn’t spoken in 3 hours I think he broke her
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!
You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.
“Chantal, is the indicator working?”
“Yes. Wait, no. Now again yes. No. Yes. No.”#FridayMorning #RubbishJokes
i love leggings with pockets because i can carry my keys, two chicken burritos, and remnants of my dignity