I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.
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*pauses Airwolf on the VCR*
*sets wine cooler down on the coffee table*
*turns to her*ME: what do you mean this isn’t working out?
If I were a bumblebee, this leg hair would be an asset.
People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!
My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles
They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.
grateful there’s a whole airline for virgins . i do NOT want them on my flight
No school, Day 1
7:15am: we have puzzles, activity books, stickers… we’ll get through this!
8:03am: *googles boarding schools with no coronavirus*
[receives death threat]
please stop flirting with me
ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:
wat if harry poter was pokemon
My parents do this fun thing when they show up for dinner at 6 in the morning.
People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.
Me: I have no friends
My bed: Wow I’m like right here
Me: But do I have to talk to him? Every day?? This seems excessive.
Marriage Counsellor: …
I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.
I would never raise a hand to my children, but I do occasionally gift them an exploding cigar to evidence displeasure.
christ, it is impossible for anyone to be on a ghost hunting show and not have it be hilarious
it’s just something about the genre that makes people wander around in the dark shouting angrily at ghosts on nightvision and then screaming and running away when a door creaks
Papa john’s: order a pizza!
Mama john’s: we have pizza at home
“What’s that?”
I call it a ‘knife’
“Wow, that’s the best thing since bread!”
Gregory, I am about to blow your mind
*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.
Where is your GOD now????
I accidentally gave my newborn Muscle Milk instead of formula and now he’s blasting Pantera and doing one arm pull-ups off his crib
9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.
Me: You make me so proud.
Sirs & Ma’ams, It is a well-known fact that when Jesus takes the wheel, He doesn’t just stop with the wheel. He takes the stereo too.
Me: Birds are SO SMART, they fly in formation to conserve energy.
Birds: Look at this idiot, shit on him.
I have been calling a guy on our street John since he and his wife moved here about five years ago.
His name is Dave.
Doctor: you’ve got-
Me: [cigarette in mouth] lung cancer?
Doctor: nope, diabetes
Me: huh [finishes eating candy cigarette] weird
Fun Fact:
The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.