@DrakeGatsby

I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.

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@JimmerThatisAll

I guess I didn’t lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.

@JimmySelfDest

Mother in law found me… On the twitter

This will be converted into a pineapple upside down cake blog for the next 72 hours.

I’m so sorry

@SatansTongue

*walks in stumbling*
Jesus, Paul how much have you had?!?
“Just a couple shots”
Oh that’s not bad then
*flashback to Paul injecting heroin*

@KyleMcDowell86

[yelling at a maple tree] Release your pancake sauce to me you piece of shit

@tsm560

No thanks, I only date women who aren’t into me.

@AnkCoupleTO

Husband: *buys her flowers*
Wife: No
H: *buys her jewellery*
W: No
H: *starts extreme couponing*
W: *gives him all the sex*

@Phook75

Looking at our latest Comcast bill and I can only pray that our daughter has zero aspirations for college

@JesKeepSwimming

“So tell me more about yourse-PUT DOWN MY FRIES IF YOU WANT TO WALK OUT OF HERE WITH ALL 4 LIMBS INTACT.” – What not to say on a first date.

@Clint_Bing

Guy asked me today if I’ve ever owned a dog. I was like lmao yeah I own dogs all the time they can’t even say shit back