I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.
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“Ok, I know this is creepy af but check this out..”
-first taxidermist
Look out. The Guest Who Wants to Help in the Kitchen has arrived. She is me and she does nothing well.
When I run into an old friend, and I have no idea what they’ve been up to, I just say, “I love your podcast.” Haven’t been wrong yet.
*survives trip to grocery store
*checks in as “safe” on Facebook
a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis
Focused so much on my cupboard making hobby, that I ended up pushing my friends and family away. Now I’m all alone, it’s just me, my shelf and I
I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.
Oh, you’re a politician? Name all the politics
Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.
Wife: ugh I feel fat
Me: please take your hands off me
My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.
The only downside of hiring a maid is having to thoroughly clean the whole house the night before she comes so she “doesn’t think the place is a mess.”
“sixth cousins three times removed” is not related. i’m probably sixth cousins three times removed with a martian.
Friend: I love FB but it’s gettin a lil boring.
Me: Well that’s cause all the cool peeps are on Twi- ..uh are all dead. Yeah they all died.
*job interview*
“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”
I quit
I’ve just renamed my WiFi network to “Police Surveillance Van #02”.
That should keep my pikey neighbours on their toes for a while.
friend: why do u look sad
me: I have wrongdog
friend: what’s wrongdog
me: *big breath in*
Me: This Pfizer vaccine made me fat.
Them: You were fat before the vaccine.
Me: It’s made me a time-traveler, too.
I thought the best thing about adulthood would be the ability to buy as much Dr Pepper gum as I wanted.
It’s been discontinued and packs now sell for $50 on eBay.
You win again, life.
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
Hmm I don’t really wanna commit 2 hours to watching a movie
*watches 12 straight hours of a tv show on Netflix*
They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….
i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot
Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.
*girl uploads photo*
her fake friends: 😩😍😍😍
*Turning off led flashlight.
Led flashlight: hahahahaha
I feel like Indiana Jones every time I go looking for keys in my purse.
After taking a bunch of 7-year-olds on a field trip to the Natural History Museum, I realized their favorite exhibit was “Elevator Buttons.”
I lock the closet that holds my skeletons very tightly. Learned that lesson the hard way after the dog ran off with the wife’s femur.
me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal