ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]
WAITER: please stop touching me
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I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.
“Ever go to a mall and buy something from the 1st store you stop in? And for the rest of the night you have to carry the bag, watch the bag, remember to pick up the bag after you set it down. It’s kinda like that.”
-me trying to explain to a friend what it’s like to raise a child
[job interview]
What are your strengths?
Me: inventing special occasions.
Is that even a *I interrupt him with a happy cereal day song*
When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.
The older you get the farther away your toenails are when they need a trim
Qualifications for a job with the Kenyan government.
1. You must be old. Really old…like above 75 years old.
2.The older you’re, the higher your chances.
3. Death is an added advantage.
Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.
Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”
Restaurant manager: You’re hired. You start as a server tomorrow.
Me: I can’t wait!
RM: You’re fired.
If you don’t want to be in love with me that’s fine. You’re entitled to your wrong and very stupid opinions.
When in doubt…
1) Tweet about sex.
2) Tweet about food.
3) Tweet about sex & food.
4) Tweet about sex WITH food.
5) Make lists.
[couples therapy]
HER: He’s always talking down to me
ME: *heavy sigh* It’s called being condescending but I doubt you knew that, Karen
Genie: 1st wish
ME: I wish for a pen
G: #2
M: another pen
G: wtf
M: I already lost the 1st pen
G: and ur 3rd
M: ur not going to believe this
No time to exercise? Get the results of a 30 minute workout in only 3 seconds by accidentally stepping on your cat on the stairs in the dark
[boiling pot]
dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
I hope this email finds you well. But if you’re well, that means you were able to answer my previous emails, so honestly I’d feel better if this email finds you unwell.
Disguising marmite as honey seems like a good way to get dumped on Valentine’s day
8-year-old: I’m glad it’s the weekend.
Me: You were only at school for two days.
8: You weren’t there.
[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]
And here we have yet another breakfast niche
Thankfully I haven’t had to go out and panic buy any food as I’ve been saving some plums in my icebox for this very occasion.
[having house guests]
Me: omg I need to CLEANNN
[30 minutes later]
Me: you know what if they don’t accept my house then they don’t accept ME
Accidentally used a toe of newt and eye of frog and now Kermit wears a monocle.
One time I saw this guy on his knees in a bar begging his girlfriend for forgiveness. No idea what he’d done. Anyway, I shouted “OMG, HE’S PROPOSING” and everything went quiet as we all awaited her response. Really awkward
Movies are so unrealistic. This guy’s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.
FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car
[hours later after date]
HER: It’s been 18 miles
ME: I insist
HER: But you drove both of us
why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
Daughter: Alexa play Let it Go.
Me: when I was your age I had to call the radio station, wait on hold for 30 mins to request a song, then sit by my boom box for an hour with a blank cassette tape for my song to play so I could record it.
Daughter: I don’t know what that means.
Hi, I’m Megan. You may know me from such public encounters with kids as “No, YOUR face is stupid” and “I didn’t trip you, you fell”.
My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….