I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.
That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.
You Might Also Like
*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*
Opening up a food truck that sells six different styles of hot dogs and one hamburger and naming it “they can’t all be wieners”
wife: didn’t i tell you?
me: yes, you did
wife: you didn’t listen
me: no, I did not
wife: what did i say?
me: you heard turtles in the walls
wife: what did you say?
me: i said you were crazy
wife: what will you do now?
me: i’ll call the turtle guy
wife: you’ll call the turtle guy
I admire women with the restraint to draw on their eyebrows. I wouldn’t be able to stop until I’d added glasses and a moustache.
It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.
“If you are fat you will die,” said the thin ppl, who would never die.
LAWYER: where were you on the night of the stabbings
ME (not wanting to admit I was watching the Bachelor finale & crying): stabbing people
WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.
My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
My kid tried to get into my phone and got locked out, when she handed it back to me she said: look mom, I made it so that no one else could get into your phone. It was such an impressive spin on events, I signed her up for journalism school.
I empty the recycling bin on my computer like someone’s actually gonna come along and say “ew gross this bin needs emptied”
A good anvil is very expensive. It would be great if they fell out of the sky once in a while.
[Watching Alien: Resurrection]
*Alien dies*
Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.
I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH other people at you.
I don’t want to pull focus from the Oprah interview but I am currently in a hot air balloon 30 miles off the coast of California and I have no idea how I’m going to get down safely
My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.
[deathbed]
Son….come closer
“Yes dad?”
We need a new man of the house
“I’d-”
*presses fake mustache into his hands*
Give this to your sister
My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.
[on a date]
*don’t let him know you’re a bird*Him: I’ll drive us. I just had my car cleaned and detailed.
Me: *poops all over windshield*
The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.
I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.
Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.
Canada: Let’s keep it that way.
That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign
Bananas in Pajamas was so popular. I can’t figure out why my spinoff, Swiss Chards in Unitards, failed
In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!
My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”
My son unloading the dishwasher literally sounds like he dumped the whole thing on the floor & I should probably go look but I haven’t heard any screaming so I think we’re good.
her: your costume is highly inappropriate
me: oh relax, it’s not like it’s a “sexy” hot dog suit haha
her: well, regardless it’s time for you to give the eulogy
One day I plan on walking into a bar on a foggy night in some small town I’ve never been to before and say “Large Marge sent me.”