@DameSpunky

I bought a bug zapper fly swat.
So now I look like a madwoman swinging around a small tennis racket, shocking anyone who dares step in my way.

You Might Also Like

@8bitf0x

whats the definition of a will? (lol come on guys its a dead giveaway)

@xlpaws

I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.

@ThugRaccoons

Me: *Swimming with dolphins*

Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?

@13spencer

[Having a problem with my iPhone]
Me: *texting myself* Test
Me: *replies* I have a girlfriend

@Schmoodles

Nuts I like:
-Cashew.
-Almond.
-Pistachio.

Nuts I don’t like:
-Hairy.
-Religious.

@Cain_Unable

I used to think Pet Insurance was a waste of money but my cat is at the vets & they’ve sent us a really lovely little courtesy cat.

@RunOldMan

Wow, wife was pissed when she found out I donated her sweater to Goodwill, but not as mad as she would have been if she’d found out I shrunk it in the dryer.

@TheClingyGF

If you’re not cheating on me, then why won’t you let me install surveillance cameras in your house.

@ericsshadow

The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.