I bought a bug zapper fly swat.
So now I look like a madwoman swinging around a small tennis racket, shocking anyone who dares step in my way.

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whats the definition of a will? (lol come on guys its a dead giveaway)


I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.


Me: *Swimming with dolphins*

Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?


[Having a problem with my iPhone]
Me: *texting myself* Test
Me: *replies* I have a girlfriend


Nuts I like:

Nuts I don’t like:


I used to think Pet Insurance was a waste of money but my cat is at the vets & they’ve sent us a really lovely little courtesy cat.


Wow, wife was pissed when she found out I donated her sweater to Goodwill, but not as mad as she would have been if she’d found out I shrunk it in the dryer.


If you’re not cheating on me, then why won’t you let me install surveillance cameras in your house.


The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.