I bought a CD today.
Now I’m waiting for my carriage to take me home, because I have laundry to do at the river and butter to churn.
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Them: Hey aren’t you that guy that keeps inventing useless things?
Me: Not anymore! Allow me to introduce to you-
Them: Oh Jesus
Me: -the portable hat!
Isn’t
this cat is NOT cute!!! he a scammer and he just called an old woman at 9pm to say if she doesnt send a $50 itunes gift card the IRS is going to put her in jail for 87 years.
There’s no “I” in angel.
But there is one in devil!
My husband is taking me out on a trail today for some fun. If it doesn’t involve me riding a horse through the woods to view a dead body, I’m gonna be pissed.
son: Where’s mom? I need her to sign my permission slip
me: I can do it
son: My teacher said it has to be an adult
Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.
“Hi. My name is Jeff and I’m an alcoholic_”
*embarrassed silence in the room*
“Wow. Tough crowd.”
Worst Bring Your Dad To School Day EVER
PRIEST: Do you take this this woman, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, until death do you part?
ME: Well, now you made it weird.
My bra randomly unhooked itself. Even it’s done with all this.
me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting
me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now
For $5 I’ll comment on your exes new relationship status saying “you gave me herpes!”
My mind says “no” but my heart says “yes”, all my vital organs speak English, it’s very confusing and loud
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
My parents are hosting 10 people on Thanksgiving so naturally my dad is outside making sure there is not one single leaf on the lawn.
Me: I missed you
Sharon: Awww, that’s sweet
Me: Don’t duck this time (throws another hammer)
If you’re not part of the solution, I might need to add more solvent.
Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.
I wanna get a job at a grocery store & whisper, “Don’t fuckin touch that. You fuckin put that back, ” to every customer who grabs something.
Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.
English is a strange language. Extraordinary should mean something that is exceptionally ordinary. Noisome should be a thing that is noisy. And of course a humanitarian should eat humans.
If you have an enemy, recommend a bad salon, it’s the best revenge ever
My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 🙁
Whenever a guy boasts he has a party in his pants, I always ask him to prove it.
If he’s not packin nachos, beer and M&Ms, I’m going home.
I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.
My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.
Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?
i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.
Enough with the false promises. If you turn on your left signal, you turn left. I don’t care if it was a mistake. You’re turning left now.
under no circumstances will my brother take the L
Husband: *wakes up* Wow! I feel great! I can’t believe all of our kids slept through the night.
Me: (with 4 kids on top of me) Oh, I believe it.