I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?
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Girl on Facebook
Heyy i have not seen u since high school.
Me. It’s been a while.
Her. Yea been married 6 years now : )
Me. Unfriend
me: they recommend to relieve stress to walk away from your desk to take a walk
boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days
teen me: I just wanna find a girl who’s nice and pretty and smart and kind
40s me: who wants to get freaky with mayonnaise, no weirdos
[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]
I am just a man.
Standing in front of a cat.
Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.
My neighbor just told me “I’m going on a date with a new guy tonight. I think he’s in a cult. Still better than the biter.” Every married person should have a single friend who’s still on the apps, the divorce rate would approach zero
Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?
leatherface: cmon, we’re gonna be late!
pinhead: *putting in one pin at a time* this doesn’t just HAPPEN you know
leatherface: you look fine
The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.
I’m a giver.
*gives you a hard time*
Trash truck: [emptying my garbage bins]
Me [running out of house with 2020 under my arms]: HOLD ON A MINUTE
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
I don’t believe in marriage but I believe in monogamy.
Or mahogany? Anyway I think this table will hold us but be careful. It was grandma’s.
Thank you for calling our automated help line. To save time, please answer these 8 questions about your account that our live agent will then re-ask you if I ever eventually connect you to them.
3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
McDonald’s has spoiled all of us with their super-charged carbonated soda. I don’t want just any Sprite. I want the Sprite that will make me see God.
If I were a mob boss, I’d ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing
Kids today: Find out school is cancelled via text
Me: Had to wake up at 5 a.m. and watch the bottom of the tv screen like the NFL Draft
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: let’s back up for a second
ME: what’s wrong
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: did you just call it dude diligence
911: Your emergency?
-Karen asked me a question.
911: Not an emergency.
-She asked if I could be more pacific.
911: Cars are on their way.
I’m so thrilled hockey is starting I could nap
Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic
Worm: wait we’re eating what
The preschoolers got to choose a free book from the book fair, so my kid came home with one we already have because she knows she likes it, and I can’t fault that logic
Can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Yes that was when I worked really weird jobs that I don’t want you to know about
Daughters wanted to show support for me so they wrote out, “I LOVE D!” and – adore them – but THAT’S gonna get an immediate course correction
For some people, the turkey’s the most important part of the holidays. For others? It’s the pumpkin pie. But me? I’ve always cared more about the people that I spend the holidays with- which is why I’ve gathered you all here today to help me summon grandpa from the great beyond.
Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.
Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.
Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….
Got it?
Then there’s dating me.
Not sure what’s more creepy, sifting through the trash dressed like a clown at 3am…or my neighbor peeking out his window watching me.