[dating profile]
Body sculpted by Michelangelo.
The turtle. Not the David dude.
Serious enquiries only.
ᴮʳᶦⁿᵍ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵒʷⁿ ᵖᶦᶻᶻᵃ.
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Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™
Use cauliflower as a substitute for mashed potatoes, rice, and any joy in your life. You have no friends now, there is only cauliflower.
Him: And if you don’t have my money by Friday I’ll send my 5 toughest guys to beat it out of you
Me: Okay first of all I’m incredibility flattered that you think it’ll take 5 of you to win…
don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo
Him: Are you mad?
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typingHer: No, I’m fine, why?
It’s Cyber Monday, sooo…. what are you wearing?
[Bar]
Her: I hate drinking alone.
Me: *downs shot glass of honey mustard* I prefer it.
[mustard company office]
*phone rings*
“Yellow”
due to inflation 6 inches is now 9 inches
The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.
So then I said, “Spit on it first, then see if it’ll fit.”
…And that’s why my wife no longer allows me to help our son with puzzles.
A new level of troll.
You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?
Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.
Evil Scientist: I will turn you three into…A Human Centipede!
Hostage 1: No!
Hostage 2: Please! No!
Me: So…who gets to be the front?
Everything is made in China. Except babies. Babies are made in vaChina.
No One:
No One’s Date: Are you always this quiet?
My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.
DOMINOS PIZZA TRACKER: Your pizza was just flushed down the toilet!
MICHELANGELO: oh hell yeah
I just saw a skunk and a possum walking through my backyard and i of course assume they’re off on some kind of adventure
My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.
Just bought Colgate mouthwash ’cause it builds stronger gums and someday my gums might have to lift a car off a baby.
My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.
in high school our gym teacher asked us who we thought the smartest teacher in the school was. we guessed the AP chem teacher, the precalc teacher, the AP physics teacher, etc. he goes, nope, it’s me because I get paid the same as those guys and I play dodgeball all day.
The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.
10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?
Me: Well, son …
[to be continued]
when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol
A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?
mugger: your money or your life
me: oh you pick
Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit