i bought a michael meyers decal for my car window and my son said if you put that on your car i’m never driving your car. aww, look at how cute he is thinking he was ever going to drive my car
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Thinking about writing an online essay titled ‘Fog doesn’t have a specific smell’ to take down the scented candle industrial complex.
my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu:
Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.
I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise
Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up
*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”
Before quarantine my husband used to eat like 5 Doritos and then fold the bag and put it away and since we’ve been in quarantine HE STILL DOES THE SAME THING I mean has this situation taught him nothing
[family meeting]
Wife: Ok, so one of you have been loading the dishwasher wrong
Me: Shouldn’t we wait for the kids to join us?
Wife: Nah, we can start
I don’t think of them as cheap hotels, I think of them as fancy camping.
Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people
H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.
M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same
[Job interview]
“Can you explain these gaps in your CV?”
“Yes, they’re so the words aren’t all joined together” *rolls eyes to self*
Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.
How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.
No one is born racist. Racism is taught. By other races.
My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.
My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.
When I’m feeling inadequate, I remember that there are women who marry their prison pen pals, and then my own decisions don’t seem so bad.
Are you turned on?
Switch I might be!
amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one
Satan: welcome to hell, the WiFi password is-
Me: wait you have WiFi?
Satan: of course.
Me: well that’s not so bad.
Satan: as I was saying the WiFi password is Pi.
Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.
me: i wrote you a song, it’s called ‘rudolph the red nose reindeer’
rudolph: it better not be about my nose
me:
rudolph: sing the song keith
Can’t believe how divided we’ve become over an election. It’s not like it’s the color of a dress or something.
If I was being attacked by a shark, I would simply remind it that sharks actually don’t have a taste for human flesh and are only perceived as bloodthirsty man-eaters due to wildly inaccurate portrayals in big-budget films like Jaws and Deep Blue Sea.
everywhere a sign. ⚠️
Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.
Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugarMe too kid, me too
Californians forget how to drive when it rains
God: send them snow