I bought a pair of underwear today.
In the front it says ‘I would do anything for love’.
In the back, ‘But I won’t do that’.
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I can’t wait until my dog is old enough to pay his own way.
Freeloader.
Using Romeo & Juliet to express how inlove you are is like using Hamlet to show how close and well adjusted your family life is.
Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes
They should remake The Ring; instead of a tape, the creepy little girl uploads her video to YouTube and wipes out pretty much everybody.
Damn right I’m cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.
Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.
Ever have that fantasy of pulling over on the side of the highway and running into the woods and disappearing for a few years?
Just me?
*Doorbell rings*
*it’s a regular kid*
“Trick or treat!”
…and what are you supposed to be?
*removes face, revealing an unending void*
HUMAN
Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.
Landlord: The lease said no murders! This is the biggest murder I’ve ever seen.
Crow tenant: *wasted* tell the world, you little shit.
If Kevin Bacon didn’t acknowledge his kids as “Bacon Bits” I’ll be forever disappointed.
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
Someone just called for cleanup in the dairy aisle but I’m the only one here so I dropped the jug of milk I was holding and ran
Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.
Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest
[breakfast time]
Me: What do you want?My kid: I’m not sure
Me: How about the same thing you had yesterday and every single day before that?
My kid: I need more time to think
My face when someone is offended by something super offensive I said to them:
My 4yo just saw two people french kissing on TV and asked me why they were “eating each other,” so I’m open to suggestions here.
If I was a dental hygienist I’d be like “Now I’m gonna rip up your gums with a metal hook and then blame you for not flossing enough, sorry”
It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.
Cop1: Has becoming a father affected your work
Cop2: Not a bit
Cop1: Ok cover me, I’m going in
Cop2: HI GOING IN I’M DAD
[both get shot]
The exchange I heard between my 4 year old and my husband when an ad popped up on her tablet. 4 yo: Can I have this? Husband: No, you can’t have an online Bachelor’s Degree in Nursing
No, I am not okay. Facebook just showed me something I posted 10 years ago.
my boss, the chef: you can’t beat eggs for breakfast
me, making an omelette: what
my lawyer: “if you think of anything important write it down and pass it to me”
me: “ok”
[in court]
me: [passes him note]
DONALD DUCK AND WINNIE THE POOH COULD COMBINE WARDROBES AND STILL HAVE LITERALLY ZERO TROUSERS
my lawyer: “your honor the defense requests a 5 minute recess”
One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV
The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.
[Barnes and Noble]
CASHIER: anything else?
ME: four barns and your finest noble please
CASHIER: get out
my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3