I bought a pair of underwear today.

In the front it says ‘I would do anything for love’.

In the back, ‘But I won’t do that’.

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5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken.

*pushes their faces together*

Me: Did they kiss and make up?

5: No. She headbutted him.


Parenting is filled with wonder. Like wondering why your 4yo raced into the kitchen and quietly grabbed a handful of napkins.


[In Court]

Does the Defense have any last words?

*defense rises* DE-FENSE

*Judge holds up picket fence*


*Jury starts The Wave*


I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday


“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”

-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant


groundhog: sorry guys, 6 more weeks of winter

everyone (sunbathing in february): ok


I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…


*Job Position: Astrologer*

Interviewer: Tell me about myself


Husband for sale: 1972 model, white in colour, a bit hard on gas but comes with a spare tire.


Just overheard my 87-year-old Dad speaking to my pooch:
“You’re seven years old? You look REALLY good for seven!”