5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken.
*pushes their faces together*
Me: Did they kiss and make up?
5: No. She headbutted him.
I bought a pair of underwear today.
In the front it says ‘I would do anything for love’.
In the back, ‘But I won’t do that’.
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Parenting is filled with wonder. Like wondering why your 4yo raced into the kitchen and quietly grabbed a handful of napkins.
Does the Defense have any last words?
*defense rises* DE-FENSE
*Judge holds up picket fence*
*Jury starts The Wave*
I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday
“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”
-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant
groundhog: sorry guys, 6 more weeks of winter
everyone (sunbathing in february): ok
I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…
*Job Position: Astrologer*
Interviewer: Tell me about myself
Husband for sale: 1972 model, white in colour, a bit hard on gas but comes with a spare tire.
Just overheard my 87-year-old Dad speaking to my pooch:
“You’re seven years old? You look REALLY good for seven!”