For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.
I bought a pregnancy test so the cashier who always serves me when I’m by myself in my pjs, buying ice-cream & chips, thinks I have sex.
You Might Also Like
I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.
Count Dooku has always been puzzled by his wife, Sue.
Me: Come on, boys! We have to hurry!
*continue walking at exactly the same pace
Friend: So, how did you two meet?
Husband: In a bar.
Wife: The air had just begun to take a chill, I remember I was wearing a new scarf. Change was in the air, but I had no idea my whole life was about to be turned in upside down. When I walked into the dimly lit pub…
Me: so u just wanna poke ur straw thru that little hole
Her: I know how juice boxes work
Mom: well isn’t she a feisty one?
watching my cats groom each other and it feels like I should be throwing money at them
FRIEND: did you hear about the Salvation Army volunteer who is on strike?
ME: doesn’t ring a bell
[Hoth Rebel Base]
Leia: How’s Skywalker?
Han: He was nearly frozen when I found him.
Leia: And, now?
That’s one healthy flower bed you’ve got blooming in your backyard. How many bodies do you have buried there?
-My attempts at small talk.