I bought a pregnancy test so the cashier who always serves me when I’m by myself in my pjs, buying ice-cream & chips, thinks I have sex.
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Hubs: You didn’t do anything today did you?
Me: I did the dishes.
Hubs: There was only one.
Me: Fine I did THE dish. Happy?
I asked my dad if there were any advantages to being in your eighties. He said, “Well, no one tries to sell me extended warranties anymore.”
I’d make a terrible meth head. I’d spend all my meth money on Reese’s peanut butter cups
I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going on a spur-of-the-moment vacation, we can spend an entire weekend trying to figure out where That Smell is coming from.
Friend: Do you know karate?
Me: [wanting to sound cool but not overly cocky] I’ve heard of him.
Her: *5 paragraphs of text
Me: 👍
remember covid? good times *gets into nuclear bunker*
me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels
My 5 yo lost her first tooth and wanted to bring her tooth fairy swag to school to flex on her friends. This included the white “fairy dust” (baking soda). So, I sent my kid into preschool with a little bag of white powder for show and tell. Follow me for more parenting tips.
DATING PROFILE: I’m looking for a partner in crime
FIRST DATE: Okay, I need you to kill the mayor
wife: [kissing me] let’s roleplay
me: ok
wife: pretend you’re my daddy
me: ok
wife I’ve been a bad girl
me: why’d u marry that idiot
We can say “winter is coming” in a normal way again, right? Like it’s been long enough?
Those three magical words:
“Where’s the plunger?”
Need to get rid of an annoying guest or person on the phone? Take a kazoo to the speaker and blow it directly into their ear.
You’re welcome.
What’s that, Lassie? Timmy’s in trouble? His marriage is falling apart? He’s having an existential crisis? I’ve got my own problems, Lassie.
Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.
Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour
Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.
“You know how when birds fly in a V formation one side is always longer?”
“Yeah. Why is that?”
“There are more birds on that side.”
Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag
if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
23. the denim jacket
Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“
[3am]
WIFE: *nudging my shoulder* I can’t sleep, do you wanna…
ME: *suddenly awake*
WIFE: …teach me calculus?
ME: We begin, as we must, with the concept of a derivative
Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…
I’m giving up for Lent.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “redacted”
me: ████████
judge: [looking around nervously] that’s correct
(Raising my hand) When this is all over will I be able to go down to the bar, have a few drinks & meet some attractive younger women?
My wife: For the last time NO!
The secret to fluffy pancakes is gently folding the souls of people who annoy you into the batter.