@AndyRichter

I bought a round area rug from IKEA, and these instructions not only saved me hours of confusion, they really helped me plan my weekend

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@DurtMcHurtt

[first day as a pharmacist]

CUSTOMER: the antacid I took isn’t working.

ME: *leans in close* that’s cuz you’re not an ant..

@Ygrene

[first time seeing Godzilla]
ok so where’s Jesuszilla

@McClaneJohn2

I stubbed my toe on the foot of the bed and found out I know 5 different languages.

@seamusmckracken

Whittling a shank in a meeting sends the message that it’s time to wrap things up.

@pplwtching

Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…

That I do not possess, apparently.

@robin_991

If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.

@TheMichaelRock

It’s cute how my wife thinks I can read her mind when I can’t even dress the kids properly.

@evanwilliams

RESTAURANT WEBSITE DESIGNER: You know what your website needs?

RESTAURANT OWNER: A clear way to contact us and reserve a table?

RESTAURANT WEBSITE DESIGNER: A 3,000 word ‘our philosophy’ section.

RESTAURANT OWNER: (nodding) Let’s not even put our phone number on the website.

@GingerAtLaw

No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED

@daemonic3

Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?