[first day as a pharmacist]
CUSTOMER: the antacid I took isn’t working.
ME: *leans in close* that’s cuz you’re not an ant..
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[first time seeing Godzilla]
ok so where’s Jesuszilla
I stubbed my toe on the foot of the bed and found out I know 5 different languages.
Whittling a shank in a meeting sends the message that it’s time to wrap things up.
Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…
That I do not possess, apparently.
If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.
It’s cute how my wife thinks I can read her mind when I can’t even dress the kids properly.
RESTAURANT WEBSITE DESIGNER: You know what your website needs?
RESTAURANT OWNER: A clear way to contact us and reserve a table?
RESTAURANT WEBSITE DESIGNER: A 3,000 word ‘our philosophy’ section.
RESTAURANT OWNER: (nodding) Let’s not even put our phone number on the website.
No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED
Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?