I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.

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A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.


Dr: So when did the stress eating begin?

Me: Probably 1983 or 1984.

Dr: …

Me: …

Dr: You were born in 1982.

Me: Maybe it Was 1982.


Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.


There is no way to differentiate between the screams you hear from mass murder, passengers on a plane going down and 5 Tweens seeing a bug


*slaps the shit out of a fish with a slightly larger, more confused fish*


If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.


When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.


if you’re in a sports bar but don’t understand sports just keep repeating the phrase “damn they gotta get him the ball.” everyone will agree


Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.


if i were a white vegan satanist i would constantly say stuff like “kale satan” and “i love the dark gourd” and nobody would stop me