@joeljeffrey

I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.

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@Just__J0

A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.

@Ms_Ka_Renee

Dr: So when did the stress eating begin?

Me: Probably 1983 or 1984.

Dr: …

Me: …

Dr: You were born in 1982.

Me: Maybe it Was 1982.

@stockejock

Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.

@Kim_pulsive

There is no way to differentiate between the screams you hear from mass murder, passengers on a plane going down and 5 Tweens seeing a bug

@ibid78

*slaps the shit out of a fish with a slightly larger, more confused fish*

@clindsaysway

If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.

@10InchesPlus

When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.

@tigersgoroooar

if you’re in a sports bar but don’t understand sports just keep repeating the phrase “damn they gotta get him the ball.” everyone will agree

@pungodly

Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.

@ramenfuneral

if i were a white vegan satanist i would constantly say stuff like “kale satan” and “i love the dark gourd” and nobody would stop me