I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.
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<At Duel>
“Draw your weapon”
Me: *frantically trying to sketch a bear with gun legs & a shark head.
[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]
– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside
healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok
Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.
*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*
*having an out of body experience* WEIGH ME NOW
My neighbour was rushed to hospital today after a wasp landed on his face. It didn’t sting him, luckily I got it first with my shovel.
I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.
And I’ve started drinking for evil.
Me: *singing “Don’t stop believing”*
Joe: What are you doing?
Me: Practicing for Journey duty
J: You mean Jury duty?
M: No, it says…shit
Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.
starting a garage orchestra
People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
airlines should have an option where you can book distances rather than just destinations. here’s 100 bucks, take me as far as that’ll get me. just drop me in the Atlantic ocean, I’ll figure it out.
Hogwarts doesn’t teach anything but magic because if one wizard learns law the school with a child-bludgeoning tree is the first thing getting sued.
A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”
How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?
“Sir, this is a liquor store.”
[wine class]
Swirl your wine. Inhale its aroma. What do you smell?
ME: wine
Can you smell its buttery oaky notes?
ME: nope, still wine
“I can’t believe you chose me, surely you could do better! No one ever pays me any attention.” – Most likely the most attractive character in the game
i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table
Me: I’ve installed a sensor to let me know when there’s any social awkwardness in the air
Michael Cera:
Sensor: *bursts into flames*
Alien: did you just call me daddy
Me: I don’t get probed much
ME {waking from 250 years of cryogenic stasis}: Wh…where am I?
FUTURE-COP: You managed to survive into the distant future, where shitty jokes are punishable by death
ME: Sounds like a bunch of updog to me
FUTURE-COP: W-
*[at the sperm bank]*
I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.
It’s like my cat doesn’t even appreciate it when I take the time to rake his litter box like a Zen Garden.
Me: I need a doctor’s appointment
Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: No I don’t need that many
[accidentally calls teacher “mom”]
MY BRAIN: shit, play it cool. say something.
ME: what’s for dinner tonight
BRAIN: what
My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age
Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.
First thing I’m doing after getting vaccinated is going to visit my little brother. Second thing I’m doing is waiting until he uses the restroom to sync my phone with his Nest thermostat so I can change the temperature in his home from anywhere in the world. This is how I love.