I don’t like grudges. My Aunt kept grudges. I’ve always hated her for it.
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If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.
A big part of my wife’s cardio routine is rolling away from me in bed.
HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard
Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
Honest job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”
ARTHUR: Knights, I have a dangerous mission for you.
SIR LANCELOT: I shall go.
SIR GALAHAD: We all shall go.
SIR VEY: Okay, actually, just—quick poll—who else does NOT want to go?
[first date at a karaoke bar]
Him: you said you had the voice of a siren
Me: I do! [grabbing the mic] Which would you prefer, ambulance or police?
Our daughter ran away from home
once when she was a teenager.We were frantic.
Within months, we called the police
to report her missing.
The kidnapper rang and said “£10,000 and you get your wife back”
“Negotiate with him!” advised the policeman
“£20,000 and she’s all yours”
Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.
I’m not saying I’ve been doing a lot of online shopping, but now every time our dogs bark, all three kids yell “mom, your Amazon is here.”
Husband: *trying to thread a needle with far too thick string
Me: That’s not gonna fit, it’s way too big.
H: You’ve said that before, but I have a 7 year old who proves otherwise.
Me: *giggles
7: You guys are being weird again.
The doctor should ask how often you miss your mouth entirely when drinking
I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.
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Christmas note to self: too much tequila makes tinsel look tasty.
I’ve been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas
wife:Gotta go. You guys gonna be ok?
me [making my Pop-Tart pop out of the toaster and trying to catch it] Come on!
wife:9, you’re in charge
5: Wait, chicken we eat is from DEAD CHICKENS?
Me: Well, yes.
5: So Chicken McNuggets used to be part of REAL CHICKENS?
Me: Well, no.
The French cow says MEUX…
Be the reason someone prefers the company of animals.
Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair
I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.
All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.
Your attempt to intimidate me with your knuckle cracking is a waste of time, I’m quite aware it’s a gas bubble between your bone & joint.
This is why you don’t eat at everybody house
[buying condoms] Do you have anything bigger? Like if someone wanted to pretend to be a slippery ghost for a day, or something like that.
*replaces birthday candles with flamethrowers for fun*
*wakes up in Emergency*
The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
MOM: I don’t care how old you are, you’ll always be my baby
ME [being passed around by her friends to hold] ok but this is weird, I need to get to work
I’m not sure what’s more distressing:
Someone had the idea to invent a 72 hour deodorant.
Or that there’s a market for 72 hour deodorant.