I bought a t-shirt for a good cause.
It’s ’cause I wanted the t-shirt.
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I showed up at Disney headquarters uninvited
I said I was there for a Rogue One cameo
That’s how I learned the security guards have Tasers
My wife agreed to a water birth, so I’m setting up a slip’n slide in the front yard right now. I’m gonna wait at the end & catch him.
I have to eat my last meal of the day earlier and earlier as time goes by or I won’t be able to sleep at night
I had supper at 10:30 this morning today
[FIRST DATE]
Her: I’m a vegan
Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too
For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.
Kevin looks up from the soda machine where he was about to pour himself a small diet coke. Outside, the world is ending. Time to cut loose, he thinks. He puts back the small cup, and pours a medium diet coke.
Me: Do you have any wrongdog?
“Ugh fine what’s wrongdog”
Me: thank you so much for asking I’m doing terrible
The easter bunny left a note, it simply said:
Happy easter-fools day, I’ve hidden the deviled eggs around the house and turned the heat way up, you probably have about 25-30 minutes left before shit gets real bad!
Have a blessed day,
EB
Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.
They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.
#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
Nancy Drew and the mystery of the seven minute stroller nap delaying bedtime by two hours
I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.
howdy. i’m a sheriff in this here movie or show. and if i see somethin startlin? well… best believe i’m takin my hat off at it. real slow
Just found out that the old guy at the gym who laughs at all my jokes doesn’t actually speak English.
friend: what r u up to
me: eating 3 pounds of pasta
friend: what r u training for
me: eating 5
Me: Yes, I’d like to schedule an appointment with the doctor
Receptionist: Of course. Do you have insurance?
Me: Yes, I do.
Receptionist: And this doctor is in your network?
Me: I’m not sure.
Receptionist: Ok, this will either be free or 11 million dollars. See you tomorrow!
“Still too cold… Still too cold…”
“Screw it, I can’t be late again.”
Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice
If you took a billionaire’s money away, they would just earn it back again. Cream rises to the top.
I’m so confident about this, I think we should prove it by taking all the billionaires’ money away.
[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle
Something about watching Catfish makes me wanna catfish someone so bad and I don’t think that’s what they’re going for
(Toy store)
ME: “Where do you keep the Schwarzenegger dolls?”
Clerk: “Aisle B, back”
Courage is taking a selfie at an angle below your chin.
New year new me
Narrator: we’re not falling for that again
Me: damn
Some people come into your life for a reason.
Like for target practice.
My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”
The local kid haircut place (the kind where you sit in cars and planes) closed unexpectedly for a month and all the little kids are wandering around town looking like Tom Hanks in Castaway right before he built that raft