A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says I’m mad at her because I haven’t answered, but I’m still typing.
You Might Also Like
[first day as a judge]
ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!
GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe
As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day
In case you were wondering, Taco Bell offers free wi-fi.
Don’t bother asking for the password, because it’s totally “Cornhole Explosion”.
I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.
Milk crates are like a Swiss Army knife for the poor…
Need a stool? Milk crate!
A bookshelf? Milk crate! A side table? Two milk crates!
Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?
10: this game took forever to download! It took like almost 1 minute
me: *laughs in dial-up*
Hendrix didn’t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.
The aliens among us mentally scream at having to continue this charade.
[parking garage]
FBI: got the file?
Me: [attempts to whistle but spits on Agent]
FBI: for the last time that’s not Whistleblowing
Shapewear for women, but it’s a system of pulleys and levers so you can morph into different configurations, like “sexy Chrysler Building” or “new condos going up”
publisher: how do you expect me to sell a book where you spend three chapters describing a doorknob?
jrr tolkien: it’s an important doorknob
Just sayin’ elbow macaroni’s gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between elbows and macaroni.
I hate it when people say “Oh, I’m a vegetarian except for fish”.
Yeah? And I’m a non-smoker except for cigarettes. #WorldVeganDay
Me: Ok, here we go. Right foot, yellow
Me: Left hand, red
Me: Left foot, green
Police sketch artist: this can’t be true
I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn’t even have to talk to the person who robbed me.
Relationship stress can make you very confused!
Could you believe me , I entered a taxi today and forgot to sit down ?
No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.
Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.
The Mastodon crowd doesn’t care for me much. Pretty sure it’s my cologne.
‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.
If you want your dog to take a pill:
1. Get a piece of cheese
2. Eat the cheese for energy
3. Get ready to wrestle your dog
No, autocorrect, switching “generics” to “gerbils” in the message I sent to my doctor without proofreading first was actually extremely helpful, thank you for that.
HER: ”So, what should I do now?”
DOCTOR: “Inform your partner.”
HER: “I don’t know if I can face him.”
DOCTOR: “You can write him a note.”
HER: “That’s a great idea!”
[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute
Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.
Would definitely get your blood pumping waking up to that…😳🤣🦏🦮
Buzzfeed’s 5 Worst Things About Peeing on a Live Power Cable: Number One May Shock You!