Me: *high af* omg is this an intervention
Wife: no it’s your birthday
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Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.
Him: There’s something special about you.
Me: Some people tell me I smell like stinky cheese.
*His eyes glaze over* I love stinky cheese.
I AM dressing for the job I want (I want to be a sweatpants model)
sometimes I wonder if it’s possible to be TOO happy, then I remember that it’s not possible to be TOO stoned, so the answer is: banana
Husband: Do you want to watch “how to become a cult leader”
Me: nah
Husb: you could create your own cult
Me: I already did…. I made 2 humans from my body and they depend on me for everything… I’m their god
Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.
If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.
Finally, a cream that replaces me with another person
Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.
[red carpet] “So Ryan, who are u with tonight?”
Ryan Gosling [proudly] “My parents”
[two geese in black tie nervously shuffle to his side]
Hell is where Sarah Palin is president, Taylor Swift is in love with me, and Kim Kardashian names all the children
Friend: I wish this candy bar had less calories.
Me: Let me see it…
*eats half and hands it back*
…wish granted.
The lengths my ex will go to in order to make me jealous are astounding. Like getting married and having a kid. IT’S NOT WORKING, JANET
Legend states that when you’re in the middle of an existential crisis, a child will appear to cry about their sibling looking at them the wrong way
[meeting]
Bill: we’ll call it BILLOSOPHY
Phil [pulling out briefcase and assembling gun]: Good idea! Steal my board idea now this? Not again
You think you’ve doing an okay job as a parent, and then you learn your 8 year-old has only been pretending to brush his teeth for two months.
Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up.
I’m getting sick and tired of these cold calls.
A lot of people have been asking me why I’ve been wearing this hat so much lately and the answer is much more ridiculous than you’d expect. It doesn’t fit my head when I have hair so I’m getting the most out of it while I can.
friend: *struggling to open beer* i need a bottle opener
me: here, give me your lighter
friend: ok
me: *lights cigarette and takes a long drag* yeah you’re gonna need a bottle opener
*Hamburglar returns home with bag of hamburgers*
*his wife, holding a crying baby, slaps the bag out of his hands*
“WE NEED MONEY, DAMMIT!”
Her: We had our friend for dinner.
Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.
Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.
(at the pearly gates)
St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it
How do I like eggs?
Ummm…in a cake!
A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.
when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn
i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on
We all suspected Tide Pods were a gateway detergent. Sure, they seem innocent, but the next thing you know, you’re mainlining Lysol.
Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.
My eldest is at the age where she’s starting to ask questions. Tonight she started asking about Father Christmas. My wife calmly took her to another room to answer, leaving me with her younger siblings. We couldn’t hear so I still don’t know what’s up. Hope Santa is OK
*goes to pond*
*duck hands me $100*
“Give me the hard stuff.”
*hands over bag of croutons*