Him: Will you proofread this essay for me?
Me: Dammit, Todd! I CAN read and don’t need to prove it to you everytime you write something.
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It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest
When I’m inevitably murdered, my loved ones won’t say I always lit up a room, but instead “She kinda deserved it” and “I’m honestly surprised this didn’t happen sooner”
My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.
Why must I prove that I am me to pay my bills over the phone?
Do strangers call to pay my bills?
And if they do, why don’t you let them?
“And I want video games and new shoes and….”
Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!
You know that scene from The Office where Kelly updates Jim on all the celebrity babies and he says “that’s great. What’s new with you?” And she says “I just told you.”
Well, that’s my situation every evening in my marriage but it’s Kate Middleton.
My kid just made me google the various answer percentages to cheat a Harry Potter Sorting Hat quiz so she’d get Slytherin- which I guess qualifies her.
I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.
Adding “and shit” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and shit.
me: can we stop at olive garden
mom: we have family at home
*literally any business fails*
journalist: ahh yes, the millennials
I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.
That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.
airports should have little side-quests available for ppl stuck in a layover
I’d like to live in a small town where they still do festivals, play fun games and raffles, bake pies and other delicious food, and sacrifice to the Gods..
*chasing after the person that just robbed my house*
TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SO I KNOW YOU GOT BACK SAFELY
$3 #books
Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.
6: *Watching kids yoga on YouTube*
Video: Ok, let’s do the Downward Facing Dog.
12: Ew! Uh…..um…..*keeps side eyeing me*
Me: *Making direct eye contact with 12* It’s a yoga pose. What did YOU think it was??
12: I…uh…..*runs away*
Librarian: Can I help you?
Me: Yeah, I’m looking for a book about-
Librarian: Being psychic?
Me: No…
Librarian: One day that will work.
Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk
my wife says she’s never worked in tech support, but when something is broken she always has helpful tips like “is it on?” and I’m like ok geek squad
Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …
been making the same muffin recipe forever and tonight I finally remembered it by heart. I can’t express how good it felt to know exactly what to do and how disgusting they tasted because I forgot the eggs.
“Miss me yet?” – 2019
Never underestimate the power of a group of idiots.
My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.
DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids
The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.
Every so often I remember the gut-wrenching disappointment of 11th grade English when I read enough of The Great Gatsby to find out he was just some thirsty dork instead of a magician
Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.