@AimeeHelene1

I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.

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@NickBSawyer

*handshake*

wow, soft hands! u must’ve never worked a day in ur life

[coming off a 9 hour shift at the Vaseline factory] “u dont know me.”

@GrantTanaka

Fence is falling down, house paint is peeling, and deck has a bunch of splinters, so time for me to convince some idiot kid I know karate.

@sixfootcandy

[couples therapy]

Me: And then he used a metal spatula on my brand new non-stick pan!

Therapist: *gasps* You’re a monster.

@dril

i hate i t when girls think im proposing whenever i take the knee at them in protest

@junejuly12

Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:

1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed

@carlyken

[dollar store orientation]

trainer: and how much does this cost?

me: um, a dollar?

trainer: wow are you sure this is your first day

@chunkbardey

dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone

@huntigula

[job interview]
Last test: put ur hands on the desk & don’t move [plays ‘In The Air Tonight’]
[I begin violently shaking as drum solo nears]

@Smethanie

I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.