I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.

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DATE: Do you like cats?

ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?


Body: so tired
Brain: can’t sleep
Body: okay then, let’s pee every 15 minutes


If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.


You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.


[movie studio in the 2010s]

“This script stars The Rock as-”



On a bad dinner date? Bump the table with your knee to make the water in your glass ripple. Claim a T-Rex is coming. Sprint out the door.


I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.