@AimeeHelene1

I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.

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@blade_funner

DATE: Do you like cats?

ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?

@xosm

Body: so tired
Brain: can’t sleep
Body: okay then, let’s pee every 15 minutes

@Jake_Vig

If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.

@cambuslad

You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.

@Reverend_Scott

[movie studio in the 2010s]

“This script stars The Rock as-”

Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT

@jakob_huber

On a bad dinner date? Bump the table with your knee to make the water in your glass ripple. Claim a T-Rex is coming. Sprint out the door.

@timdonakowski

I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.