wow, soft hands! u must’ve never worked a day in ur life
[coming off a 9 hour shift at the Vaseline factory] “u dont know me.”
I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.
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Fence is falling down, house paint is peeling, and deck has a bunch of splinters, so time for me to convince some idiot kid I know karate.
Me: And then he used a metal spatula on my brand new non-stick pan!
Therapist: *gasps* You’re a monster.
i hate i t when girls think im proposing whenever i take the knee at them in protest
Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:
1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed
[dollar store orientation]
trainer: and how much does this cost?
me: um, a dollar?
trainer: wow are you sure this is your first day
dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone
Last test: put ur hands on the desk & don’t move [plays ‘In The Air Tonight’]
[I begin violently shaking as drum solo nears]
I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.
Ah ? ha ? ha ? ha ? stayin’ alive, stayin alive ? ? ? ?.