I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.
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Recipes be like you’ll need an 1/8 tsp of this really hard to find item. Also, it’s gonna cost $125
Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.
Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too
Nissan keeps sending me emails with my monthly vehicle health report. I hope the car is healthy but I haven’t owned it for 3 months.
Dang, my 250 million year old salt has expired
Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.
Me: I’m so sorry.
What idiot decided to call it gonorrhea instead of hot sausage?
You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.
I hope your spoon slides into your soup
ME AT AGE 6: I am 6 and three-quarters as of tomorrow!
ME YESTERDAY: I am…I wanna say 32? Wait what year is it?
Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second
her: I’m a cat person
me: I’m more of a dog pers-
her: [starts licking hind leg]
me: oooOoo k
Might quit my job and become a content creator and live off the royalties for the next 19 seconds.
You’re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU’RE RICH
not being able to fall asleep is so embarrassing. All I’m asking my brain to do is nothing and it can’t even do that?
My retirement plan is to have an abdomen that can stop a cannonball
I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.
Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn’t leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.
I see a cute girl on the bus. I unzip my hoodie to reveal a t-shirt that says, “I love holy matrimony”. She pats on the open seat beside her.
[restaurant]
WAITER: here’s your check
ME: can we split it
WAITER: yes of course
DATE: *reaches for card*
ME: no it’s cool me and the waiter got this
if you’ve ever been worried about pitching something crazy at your job, imagine being the person who suggested taking temperatures rectally
I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.
Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree
Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…
and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”
“order in the court!”
*Bangs gavel*
Chicken wings, your honor!
[after 3 months in prison]
I think the joke was worth it.
Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.
Because I fall sleep listening to the meditation video, I’ve never actually heard the end of it. They could play Beethoven’s Fifth on kazoos at the end for all I know.
[at the mall]
“I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?”
“Sure, what’s his name?”
“Xander.”
“See, that’s why he ran off.”