brian had himself a morning…
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Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.
Son your teacher called, she said you wrote “AQUAMAN RULZ” all over your math test. [sigh] First of all, Aquaman doesnt have any good powers
My eyebrows look like two caterpillars in a heated argument.
Indiana Jones: I present the Ark of the Covenant, sacred crypt of the Ten Commandments.
Rick from Pawn Stars: I’ll give you 25 bucks.
Fact: bears do defecate in the woods, but sometimes light candles to help with the smell and that’s what causes forest fires.
Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.
In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.
Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.
When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me
Is this a threat?
I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.
me: sorry, but 40 is NOT too old to date!
wife: this has nothing to do with your age
My shower gel is £1 but my washing up liquid is £2. Why am I spending twice as much to clean my plates as I am to clean myself? We’re both covered in the same pasta sauce.
“Here mom, hold this.”
Translation: I own you now.
PSYCHOLOGIST: [holding up inkblot] wat do u see
ME: a outdated discredited method with no scientific backing
PSYCHOLOGIST: [starts sweating]
Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.
May someone of my non-German mutuals explain German Burger King to me:
me: *proudly showing off photos on my phone* this was just last week, they’re getting so big these days
old acquaintance: these are all pictures of cheeseburgers
me: yeah, so?
old acquaintance: i asked if you ever had kids
same energy
I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.
I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them
Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.
Yous guys keep her distracted. I do the rest. Got it?
Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.
Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?
[job interview]
BOSS: biggest weakness?
ME: I never know when to quit
BOSS: that’s ok, ur hired
ME: I quit
This time of year, I get sick of everyone writing an “X” instead of “Christ”. I think it’s time we all put the Christ back in Christ-box 360
😂😂😂😂😂😂
The definition of confidence: when you go to the toilet with 3 devices in your pocket.
Anonymous just switched everyone in Isis from Amazon Prime shipping to basic shipping. Good luck getting Fallout 4 by Christmas terrorists!