I bought and named a star after you.
If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.
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Me: *Screaming
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE?? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE BABY, YOU’RE GONNA DIIIIIEEEEEE”Teacher: “You can’t come with us on zoo field trips anymore if you keep doing this.
1st graders: *crying
Calm down shouty museum man. I think it’s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.
I hate when millennials make up new words and demand that we all use them. people should only communicate like they did before we started making up all these words: using short grunts & hitting each other over the head with large knobbly clubs
What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?
If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.
imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it
Hostage: *screaming*
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: *still trying to find the end of the tape on the roll*
*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
A new poll shows that half of people would keep their current car forever if they could. “And now you CAN!” said the cost of living.
I thought my 1-year-old had hints of red in her hair like me. Turned out she had dried-up sweet potato in her hair…also like me.
in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle
“MEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH THE GREEKS & MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
When Wall-E first came out I was like “‘what a profound statement” and now, a few years older, I’m like “gimme one of those sick chairs.”
Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember
There used to be 9 planets, just like there used to be 9 members of Wu-Tang, but then ODB died so they had to kick Pluto out of the group.
Bartender: YOU’RE the guy that drinks from the soap dispenser in the toilets?
Me: [I try to say “NO” but it’s just lavender scented bubbles]
“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made horrible tea.
Me: Look to my left.
Friend: We’re facing the same way. Why don’t you say our left?
Me: I don’t like to share.
Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.
Is this your resume?
“Yep”
It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away
“Oh yes”
Welcome to UPS!
Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job
“Pasta la veista, baby”
-Arnold Schwarzenoodles
[dies and goes to hell]
Satan: oh, there seems to have been a big mistake
Me: oh thank god-
Satan: you should be in super hell
Me: oh no
[crime scene]
*detective snaps pics of murder victim*
Corpse: delete it
Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.
[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean
An email from my parents: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: Obama’s a Muslim
reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume