I bought and named a star after you.
If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.
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the guy at the liquor store didn’t card me and it hurt my feelings so I said I was a cop and idk what to do next we’re just standing here
*manager storms backstage* Kandi, your twerk looks like the first signs of Parkinson’s. Foxxxy, you couldn’t get a Werther’s Original hard.
What’s the biggest problem you have with your name?
My biggest problem?
Me: “Hi, I’m Marcus. Nice to meet you.”
Business people: “Hi, Marcus. Do you go by Mark?”
Me: “No. If I did then don’t you think I’d introduce myself as that?”
GOD: [reviewing solar system] hmm… i’ll give it 5 stars
EARTH: [imediately starts screamig due to masive gravitational pull of 4 new stars]
Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail
this is the news I live for
Me: You get your smarts from me.
My kid: Yep, I got your mustache too. Heyooo!
So, free to a good home if anyone wants a kid.
There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.
You’re 22 years old, dating a 62 year old man an update a status like “I can’t wait to see my baby” Is he your baby or your ANCESTOR ?
Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.
Me: I never use essential oils
Car mechanic: that’s why it’s on fire
“You’ve reached 911”
Knock knock
“Sir ple-”
Knock knock
“This is not-”
Knock knock
“ok, who’s there?”
Ben
“Ben who”
Ben shot real bad
“NICE”
14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked
Me:
Your bio says you’re 29, your selfies suggest you slept with Hemingway.
Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….
I named my son Kidding Me so whenever people say “Are you kidding me” he has to say yes. This is a bad joke thanks for your time
And they lived apathetically ever after.
*house explodes into flames*
Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?
The first Roman soldier to be paid in salt: “Seems legit”
[Last supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*plays Montell Jordan* THIS IS HOW WE DO IT
*Apostles go nuts*
If the salesman doesn’t come with me on the test drive, I just take the car home and wait for them to come get it. I have so many cars now.
urinal cakes? what’s next? urinal muffins and cookies? urinal brownies? urinal tarts? an entire unexplored world out there
*on time travel bus* oh you’re going back to kill hitler? uh yeah totally, me too *pulls jacket over spice girls world tour ’98 t shirt*
I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog
How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don’t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.
God [returning from 200 year vacation] who touched the thermostat?
“Morning guys”
“HOLY SHIT IT’S SUPERMAN!”
– Clark Kent’s first day at work wearing contact lenses
When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”
checking out some reviews of my local library